Part 6.. the finale, forever.

We spent months apart once again despite his attempts at having me believe that perhaps he was just overthinking things. I know that there can be many barriers that would halt someone from being able to surrender themselves in a relationship, fear, trust and uncertainty being some of them but I knew that the person who was meant to love me would not have to think about it. In fact I insisted upon it.

But he never really went away, as was the case for years before us.

That same year he asked to take me out for my birthday, 4 months after basically telling me he could not love me. Because we had a history of finding common ground, enjoying our time together and creating a friendship, I agreed. Plus I love my birthday and I’m pretty much down for every chance to celebrate.

That night at dinner he laid a lot of things out on the table including the fact that he wanted us to try, yet again. This time telling me to move in.

5 years of ups and downs and a recent 4 month hiatus and suddenly he thinks moving in is the answer? I know in his heart he wanted so badly for something to make sense between us, as did I, so he took it off the rails.
I told him I wasn’t ready to move in with anyone let alone someone who a few months prior told me they couldn’t love me. A reminder that I brought up frequently in conversations regarding the status of our relationship because I just couldn’t let it go.

He then told me he thinks that love is learned, that there is something to be said about familiarity and that in time, he could learn to love me.

Ayecarumba.

I saw some truth to this, I believe that in time you can learn and grow to love people, but had we not had enough time for this learning? How much more was it going to take and to be perfectly honest I know I have a lot to offer but this to me felt like he was settling and I wasn’t going to be settled for.

You see at this point I was a lot more sure of my self, I knew I didnt need to settle for “love is learned”, I also knew that his inadequacies had little to do with me and everything to do with him.

Once again, I declined.

Fast forward to December I was going through a rough patch and he once again became my saving grace, my great escape.

We spent the entirety of the month together with him even inviting me to his folks for Christmas, a huge step for us. I was unable to go and deep inside I knew I did not want to. I take these things seriously especially with someone who I am serious about and I knew that going to his parents wasnt the right answer.

We had NYE plans but suddenly on the day before I had a change of heart.

I blame, happily, my intuition for knowing that I did not want to bring in the new year with someone I had no plans of spending the upcoming year with.

I was opening my eyes to understanding how much of a crutch he was to me, being a soft place to land where no words needed to be said, no questions asked and no plans made when I just needed a reprieve.

The night before NYE I sent him a message saying I was cancelling, I’d rather stay in. He accepted and that ended us again.. for another 4 months.

What is the point of me telling this back and forth story? The biggest lesson here is trust. Trusting ourselves, our gut, our intuition and what another person is telling us either with their words or actions.

I knew far too many times that he was not the one and yet I kept going back, just to make sure.

It’s like the same habit of making sure your flat iron is unplugged before you leave the house or double checking that you locked the door, I was a obsessive compulsive about making sure that we definitely did not fit together.

The next time he came back with more intensity.

I know he had been searching for the one, I know he wanted so badly to settle down and make a life with someone and when nothing else worked out, he came back to me.

He came on strong this time and we spent the next few months being off and on.

As he became more serious about us I felt my doubts, uncertainties and just plain gut feeling telling me no. Run. Leave. Let him go. He isn’t the one. This is not your life. You will be miserable. You will resent him. There is no love here for you. You will break his heart if you let him open it up to you.

But I stayed and I tried. I stayed because he tried and him trying was all I ever wanted, even if it was 6 years too late.

I stayed because I wanted to rewrite our story, because I wanted to unscratch the record that had been permanently damaged and make our song stop skipping. Because I wanted so badly in my heart to believe that this could be it, this could be the moment I had been wanting for years, that this home feeling I felt with him finally served a purpose. That his ideas of building his dream home and incorporating my dreams were enough. I wanted to believe that he did love me and that there could be a happily ever after for us. I wanted to believe in the dream, not the nightmare we kept living.

And finally, he told me he loved me. He said the words. He said them to my face and he didn’t just say them, he showed them.

He showed up for me.

He made the effort.

He went out of his way.

He asked how he could bring me joy.

He told me I was perfect.

He made me food.

He was everything I had wanted for years.

He participated in my birthday celebrations, even buying me a beautiful tennis bracelet as another token of his love and affection.

But in spite of all of that, it was never enough.

During a conversation one night he tied his very first text message together with our eventual demise by saying “I’m looking for perfect”.

Perfectionism is a way for people to avoid criticism, it is a way for people to continue to strive for more yet never be content and this was him. Always the criticizer, never the criticized.

I wasn’t offended this time, I knew he had work to do on himself and I knew I wasn’t about to be his saving grace and I was tired of being his vision of imperfection. I saw the way he looked at me, like he was reaching for more but could not find it. But unlike the beginning, I didn’t take it personally anymore.  I finally knew myself, loved my self and accepted myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deep down I knew I had to go and I believe he knew I was going too and he wasn’t about to stop me so it was finally safe to let go of the reigns a little. To say what needed to be said, to undo what had been done and to make one last ditch effort before we said goodbye, forever.

We knew the end was near.

But in all of our years, our ups and downs and our offs and on’s I didn’t expect us to go out so cold.

I didn’t expect him to cut communication when we were near our final days.

But that’s the thing about expectations, they will disappoint you every time.

We had been spending entire weeks together at his home without a  break but the final communication we had was after I had gone home for a few days planning to come back only to not hear from him for an entire 3 days, and when I did it was lacking. There was no concern, there was not even a greeting, it was just a matter of fact message.

His phone had broken, he had a replacement and if I didn’t respond he would drive to my house, is what he said.

This time I was so grateful he went out like that, I told him I wasn’t interested in communicating or seeing him and that was it, I was finally free.

No more fairytale, no more romanticizing something that had been dead in the water for years, no more wondering, hoping, wishing and dreaming. This was reality. It was over.

I moved.

It had been almost 2 months when he sent me a picture that would normally restart our cycle.

Him and his daughter, like clockwork, a sure way to tug at my heart strings.

Perhaps he wanted to make sure I was really gone, and I was.

Physically and emotionally I had packed up and left and drove myself to live 2600km away from him and the life I was once was way too comfortable in.

I left my comfort zone and I left my crutch behind.

But imagine my surprise when he dropped the final bomb that concludes our story and allows us both to move forward knowing we did our best and happiness is at last possible.

“I am in a serious relationship, I plan to be with her for a long time, I know exactly what I want for a change, I am finally happy and am committed to putting my entire heart into this relationship and it is no longer appropriate for me to be texting with you, GoodBye”

Of course my instant reaction, and you are probably thinking it too, was to think that after 6 years a commitment, love or happiness with me was impossible but within a 60 day span he has somehow found it all.

But this is the beauty of fate, of knowing, of letting go and trusting.

Everything we want is possible

I had told him this in the past when he was trying so hard for me, that it is possible to have everything you want in someone AND be happy, that he didn’t have to settle for mediocre. That just because we love so many qualities about each other doesn’t mean we are meant to be with each other.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe it before we see it but if we want the fairytale ending we must believe it before we will ever see it.

I share that last message with you because we all know too well how it feels when we aren’t chosen. Even if we know we don’t want to be. Even if we chose someone else or just our own selves finally. There is a natural human (ego) reaction to the knowing that someone else has taken up space that we could never even access. That someone else is soaking up the love that we so desperately wanted but could not for the life of us attain. That someone is essentially right where we wanted to be all along, but never felt good enough for.

I share this all from a place of continual healing. Of knowing that this story was over long before it started and everything my heart, and your heart desires is so possible for us but first we have to release our grip of what we once thought we wanted and open our hands to receive what is available to us, usually bigger and better than we could have ever imagined, cliche as it might sound. Its true for a reason.

Did I ever love him? Of course,  my heart is built to love that is no question.

Was I ever in love with him, defintely no.

He was my story, my eventual happily ever after in the making, my perfect illusion, My reason to stay small, to stay stuck, to not step into my own greatness.

That is mostly what our lives are here.

Made up stories about who we are, where we come from and what we deserve.

Whatever we tell ourselves will remain true.

For us our story was that we would always come back to each other, that no matter who we date or where we go we will end up together.

But that story stopped serving us long ago.

If we want a different outcome, we have to change our stories.

I am grateful for this fable, but now I am ready to live in full reality knowing that what hasn’t killed me has strengthened me and that happiness is a choice. That people cannot be used as crutches or sedatives for the pain in our lives. We must own and face what we fear the most, shine our own light on our darkness and accept ourselves as we are completely. All of our perfect imperfections.

I am ready for a fairytale that sweeps me off my feet, instead of bringing me to my knees. With someone who will have me wondering how I ever lived without them (in a non co-dependant way) not constantly wondering how I am going to.

This next step in my journey has begun with me fully loving myself. With releasing the need to be loved and wanted by a man.
With letting go of illusions of the past and stepping into right now so I can revel in the love this universe pours out to me instead of drilling at a well that has long since run dry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for taking your time to read this and I hope some of it can bring peace or answers to your heart feel free to reach out if you need to chat XO

PS. My E-Book “Don’t F**k Him- Your Dignified Guide to Getting Over Him With Pride” Is going to be launching SOON!! Stay tuned!