[This is part 2 of a 6 part story I am sharing about the rise & fall of an on and off again relationship I had every hope & dream of being in for the rest of my life, if we could just get it together..that ultimately, physically ended 60 days before I left the province and country for an undetermined amount of time.]
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For the following month things went well, ridiculously well. Ridiculous was his word for anything that was better than good.
We went on many dates. Movie dates, dinner dates, getting lost in the woods hiking dates, zip lining dates, half vegan/half not pizza dates, pumpkin carving dates and cuddling…so much cuddling.
He had all these qualities I had never had in a partner before.
I was in awe of him.
He was so career driven and dedicated, and had a passion for coaching soccer that was so admirable.
He seemed so sure of himself, his sarcasm and humour could make me laugh like no one else. He had his own home and well when you add it all up I just felt downright unworthy of him.
I was living at home with my parents, working in a call center with no clue what I was doing with my life and no real passion or drive besides drinking with my friends on weekends and occasionally going hiking and of course, loving my dog.
I played it cool. Really cool, I even read a book on it so I could make sure to keep him interested because I liked him so much I didn’t want to scare him away or do anything “wrong”.
I was hardly my truest self with him, and yet I hoped he would somehow like me for me.
By playing it way too cool he didn’t know how to get close to me and I couldn’t figure out how to let him. He told me I was hard to read and although I thought being mysterious would make me more attractive to him, it was stifling all I was, all I wanted to say and do and be with him.
Slowly… I felt him slipping away.
The text messages dwindled, his responses were few and far between and in my heart of hearts I knew I was losing him and I was too “tough” and “proud” to even try to address it, I just waited for it.
When I feel someone is not that into me I won’t fight it, you cant argue with feelings. Although, I had no idea what his feelings really were and I’d never really find out.
So the text came. Call me crazy but I remember every single detail of every moment with, and without him perhaps that is what makes telling this story so necessary.
“Hey, it’s been really fun spending time together but….I just don’t see this working out right now.”
I responded with “ok, I understand if you feel that way, but may I ask why?”
He was kind in conversing with me and helping me to come to terms with this inevitable undoing.
His honesty blew me away, in a good way as honesty is hard to come by these days, but also in a gut wrenching, unexpected response kind of way.
“I think I want to get back with my ex..”
[Enter shock]
Oh? The haven’t been together in 6 months ex? The ex I had nothing to worry about? The ex who became more like a friend and the romance was dead? The ex I hadn’t heard about in 3 months?
Ok, how can one argue with this?
I let him go graciously, God knows I’ve done the break up and make up game many times. I wished him well and deleted his everything and told him to donate the scarf I left behind. I wonder what became of that scarf?
Months passed and I didn’t stop thinking about him. I prayed everyday and sent love his way and every once in awhile I would cry out of sheer frustration.
I kept replaying in my head where I went wrong. How did I not see this coming? Was it my fault that I didn’t fully open myself up to him? Was it my not feeling worthy of him that caused the universe to respond this way proving me right? Was it the sex? I held out, I waited until we had like 6 dates and a bunch of pg sleepovers and months of conversations out of the way before it felt like a good time to connect on that level. It must have been the sex, it must have been too soon was my continual my thought process.
Perhaps she just was the “perfect”, not cute, that he was looking for.
I imagined I would never find someone like him again. Someone who knew exactly how to kiss me and give me those 15 year old girl butterflies every single time. Someone who made me laugh more than anyone else ever could. Someone who despite me feeling so guarded still felt so much like “home” to me.
For the first 9 months I tried to date, but no one could compare and the sad truth is that I compared. At that point when I realized I wasn’t going to shake him anytime soon I sent him a quick message just to say Hi, but I didn’t hear back…
Until a year later.
I had pretty much given up on hearing from him. I had dated and knew the bar had been set higher and allowed myself to feel gratitude for all I had learned from knowing him.
The details of where I was and what I was doing in the very moment his name popped up on my phone are still as vivid as if the moment were right now.
We began to talk.
This time things were different.
Wildly different.
I was on a better path, living my dreams, going to school, working and truly enjoying my life. I felt worthy this time. I felt ready for someone like him.
He was somewhat single again, complicated he called it, but asked if he could see me again. I joked and said he would have to wait another 10 or so years. Of course I wasn’t jumping right back in with him. My heart remembered the ache that losing him once had brought I wasn’t about to take that risk again, at the same time I wanted to get in my car and drive right over there and pick up where we left off… but nothing would ever be as it was in the beginning again.
He started to put the same effort back in that he originally met me with, the effort that made falling so easy the first time.
But this effort did not come before dropping the bomb that would tie together the last year and a half, the “complicated” status and bring some answers but only a million more questions.
He explained so heartfully that he truly wanted things to work out with me and that he had really been separated from his ex for some time, but when she showed back up he had a decision to make that tore him apart…
To be continued ………
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