[This is part 5 of a 6 part story I am sharing about the rise & fall of an on and off again relationship I had every hope & dream of being in for the rest of my life if we could just get it together, that ultimately -physically ended 60 days before I left the province and country for an undetermined amount of time.]
I have come to understand that more of us than not are quite intimate with that sinking, gross, breathtaking feeling that comes in a moment where you don’t quite know what’s going on but you know it isn’t good news.

This post is going to be in large part about intuition, the paragraph above describes, in part, what people mean when they say. “Gut feeling”.

He was already at work at the point I found my shoes tucked under his sweater and, as I always did with him and him only, I let it simmer for a bit.

I have been known to be a reactive person. It is a part of my sensitive nature, I feel fast and I react faster. This is not always the best way to approach delicate situations and not a quality I promote but nonetheless it is something I have worked on and perhaps he was a catalyst for this.

I questioned myself first. Was I being crazy? Where did this sweater come from? Why on earth would he hide my shoes inside the front door when my car isn’t even parked in the driveway? I messaged some of my girl friends asking for advice, insight and secretly hoping for an answer that was different than the sad conclusion I had already come to in my mind and heart.

It was like a kick in the gut, an “I told you so” from the universe.

You see, once things started to feel off between us the idea of visiting him became less exciting. He would always have to ask more than once and usually present a good offer for me to make the hour drive to see him. An hour drive gives you a lot of time to think, contemplate, imagine, dream and ultimately feel into my gut and be overcome with severe uncertainty.

Just about every time I would drive to his house I continuously asked myself “what the fuck am I doing?”. If you are one of my closest friends you were definitely thinking the same thing.

But then the moment I stepped into his home it was like being sucked into a vortex. I was enamoured with him. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the way he said “hey beautiful”, the way he passionately kissed me as soon as he saw me and embraced me into the body that I felt my heartbeat plug into and I was swallowed by infatuation and comfort.

So after some contemplation I sent him a message asking about the shoe situation. It may or may not be a surprise to find out he completely brushed it off. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about and if anything the sweater probably fell off the boxes beside the shoes. The thing is I did not recall seeing a sweater there the night before, not to mention if it fell off and physics….never mind it just made no fucking sense but that’s the thing about gas lighting, you will always be made out to be the crazy one.

Subconsciously I was still in a state of trying to correct this imperfect vision he had of me. Sure I had more self esteem than our first go round but that doesn’t take away words that were imprinted into my psyche forever.
I know that I did not take to his denial right away but over time I let it slide but things were just a little too complicated for us at this time and we decided it would be best for us to take some time apart, again.

We remained in contact with each other every once in awhile. But would go months without seeing each other. 3 months was usually the cycle before I felt safe enough to see him again.

Following another hiatus from each other I finally allowed myself to get close to him again and then like clockwork he would drop another bomb ” I just don’t think there’s enough room for you and [his daughter] in my life right now”.

Sadly I tried to fight this. I tried to shrink myself to fit. Writing this hurts, it hurts my heart and soul to know my big huge heart, my big love, my big magic was squashed because one person, ONE guy couldn’t expand enough to fit me in. But no matter how much I tried, I didn’t fit.

So, I moved on…..

I started dating other people, I let myself forget him.
I told myself I deserved better and I wanted so badly to believe it,.

After not hearing from him for awhile I started to seriously date someone I thought was perfect for me, he got me, he let me be big I didn’t have to shrink and he thought I was perfect.

Of course that energetic vibe was sent out into the universe and my past caught wind of my happiness and re appeared in my life in an attempt to intercept this great catch I thought I had. He wanted to try, again. I have lost count at this point what number this was, but it was about the time I just about had enough. It was the first time I was ever able to tell him NO. I remember the nauseating feeling as I hit send. This felt like the end of everything I wanted. He was finally here saying “I want this, I want you, this can work” and I was respectfully declining.

I was honest about everything with him. I had committed to someone else and I was going to see it through.

Well Mr. Great Catch turned out to be a bit more of a catcher, as it turns out he preferred men, dressed as women. (This could be it’s own blog series, I’ll contemplate that). He also was very dishonest about just about everything and I once again felt the crash and burn of new found hope and ultimately the serious neglect of yet another gut feeling that said this wasn’t right. How much more was my heart willing to take before it gave up indefinitely?

To be continued tomorrow, with the words that ultimately sealed our fate…..