This is part 1 of a 6 part story I am sharing about the rise & fall of an on and off again relationship I had every hope & dream of being in for the rest of my life, if we could just get it together, that ultimately -physically ended 60 days before I left the province and country for an undetermined amount of time.
Current conversations with women going through similar situations and the spirit of releasing all that is ready to be released this year, I am sharing this part of my journey. Perhaps you can relate, or perhaps it can save you years of heartache by recognizing and accepting the red flags as they come up…
Here is my beautifully corrupt fairytale..
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I was 15 and he was 18 when we met while I was on a family camping trip.
He was a hot jock & I was a geeky awkward hippy… with an abusive boyfriend.
But he kissed me.. and Florence Welch says it best when she says “and with one kiss you inspired a fire of devotion on that lasted 20 years”… Ah what kind of man? is right.
I cried the entire night because I “cheated” on my bf, a story that would come back to bite me in the butt the next summer. Nonetheless it was all a big blessing in heartbroken disguise. He was inadvertently my escape and would, in my heart, become so again many years later.
Him and I, to my dismay, lost touch. But I never forgot him, every detail of him right up to the way he said certain words, and thanks to the magic of social media during some early hours of the morning we were reunited 12 years later. I was less geeky, still awkward and until seeing him again I didn’t realize how much but, still very insecure.
I also.. had a boyfriend again. A great guy, but the relationship was volatile at best. Oil and vinegar, if you will. This time though I spent time getting to know him while my relationship ultimately came to it’s demise and took a couple of months before finally agreeing to a date. Our mutual love for sarcasm connected us with laughter, my favourite thing to share with another person. Looking back I now know that it too was connecting two very insecure personalities.. more on that later.
Telling this part of the story is somewhat embarrassing, and may make you cringe as I still do, but in the spirit of true transparency and vulnerability I will share it and perhaps it will give further insight on either my insecurities or sheer blindness by a story I had create with my hopeless 15 year old heart.
We met for breakfast on our first date before we were heading off to a fall fair – my fave.
Here’s the sticky part where this story could end but instead is followed up by 6 years of up and downs, off’s and on’s and questions that perhaps only god will have the answers to.
I went to the bathroom and when I came back to the table I saw on my phone I had a message from him. Let me just say, my intuition is Strong and I felt that he did not mean to message my phone. How he acted after confirmed this but to this day he stands behind his side of the story. He immediately said “did you check your phone?” I said “no, why?” He said “look at it” with a sly smile on his face… and so I did.
The message read “this chick is cute, but not perfect.”
Believe me when I say I lost my appetite, for my breakfast and the rest of the day and yet I found a way to swallow this criticism and go on with the day. Likely a secure, strong, confident version of myself who was not already hopelessly devoted to our unfolding love story would have excused herself, forever, but not I.
You may be wondering why, if my intuition is so strong, did I not know better and choose better? But that is where my extreme lack of self-worth paired with my highly sensitive nature to want and only see the absolute best in people comes in. I weighed the moments he made me smile over this one moment that put a little crack in my heart and I proceeded, with caution and deeper insecurity, although I would never let that show.
My belief was that he meant to send it to a friend, his story is that he meant to send it to me, as a joke.
Although a lot of our jokes consisted of making light-hearted fun of eachother, this was a serious dig to my self esteem and one that I feel was either accidental, or on purpose, perhaps to bring me below his level of insecurity so he could maintain the upper hand. Either way it worked, those words never left my head, or my heart.
My gosh, don’t we all know we aren’t “perfect”? Who in their right mind says this to a girl on their first date?
IF he meant to send it to me, awful. If he meant to send to a friend and screwed up by sending to me.. still awful.
Regardless, as I allowed myself to let that go, at least consciously, we had a great day and a month of very frequent dates ensued…
To be continued..
♥
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