You Get What You Believe You Deserve

If you’re not getting what you want it is because you don’t believe that you deserve it and this news may come as a shock to you or you may even dismiss it. I know that I used to do that.
I could easily say the words “I deserve better” but my actions would always contradict this.  On a conscious level I wanted better and I wanted to believe I deserve better but in my unconscious mind I was sabotaging myself every time.
I used to go over in my head why this was happening to me. I had a pretty well rounded life, no serious traumas, no history of abuse, parents were still together, so what gives? Why was I always choosing the guys that were wrong for me? Why was I always choosing pain over pleasure? How did I end up in a very abusive relationship?
This past weekend I went through boxes of stuff from my childhood up to adulthood. In the collection of boxes from my teen years there were tons of letters from high school, the original text message. Most were letters from friends to me and some were letters I had written and never passed on.
One letter in particular was to my high school boyfriend, the one I was in a very abusive relationship with. The relationship that lasted 1.5 years but took over a decade of my life to begin to recover from. The relationship that set me on the journey to help other women and teens like myself who have been through what I have been through to recover.
Although I have done a lot of healing work surrounding this particular relationship and determined the root cause, I didn’t have as much of a glimpse into what I was feeling at that exact time as it had been so many years and a lot of blocking out memories… until I found this letter.
I held onto it but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this with the world. I was sad for the 16 year old girl writing this letter and if I could go back in time just to hug her and tell her that she IS enough, I would.
(Look forward to my “letter to my teenage self” in my next post).
This letter opened my eyes to so much more that I had not remembered or thought of. I will share a piece of it with you here because I want you to understand what I have come to learn over the years of my journey to recovery from my cheap love addiction and that is that it doesn’t always take a big event or a big trauma to damage a person’s belief and confidence in themselves. Sometimes it is one person or one small event or a small day to day thing that eats away at you to change everything.
I always thought I  believed I was enough until I realized that my external world was not projecting what I thought on the inside and so I had to go deep to make those mental shifts so that what I am projecting on the Inside becomes my reality the outside. That is how it works, that is how the law of attraction works and that is how training your subconscious mind works.
For me, I had been made fun of a lot from the years of around 11 to 14. Everything from how flat my chest was to how terrible my skin was. The things I could not hide about myself no matter how much makeup or padded bras I wore were the things people tore apart about me and I carried this with me. I forgot who I was because I kept being reminded of what I wasn’t.  My beautiful, compassionate, loving heart could not shine through all of the criticism.
This is evident in the words I wrote in this letter, here is a small piece:
“I love you. I was just so worried that you might be having different feelings. Please don’t leave me. I am sorry that I’m not a size 2 with beautiful blonde hair, a perfect smile and most importantly, a perfect face. . . . I am scared ‘cuz I know you are too good for me and if I lose you I’ll never find someone like you again”.
Heart wrenching, right?
Here is the reality when looking at this situation from an outsider, as I can now that I am no longer in it. A few short years before writing that letter I was made fun of a lot for being “too skinny” and throughout my entire life I have had comments made on how skinny I am, something that always made me uncomfortable, and here I was, wishing to be a size 2 in this letter when in reality I was a size 5. I didn’t have beautiful blonde hair, because at the time it was dark blonde and curly. I didn’t have a perfect smile, when in reality it was adorable and people complimented it all the time. That I didn’t have a perfect face, which was always one of my biggest self-esteem issues.
But I created a belief system from the words I heard other people say about me and from comparing myself to others so often that I didn’t believe in myself anymore and I not only accepted but begged for way less than I ever deserve.
I don’t share this because I want people to feel sorry for me or my 16 year old self. If I was not healed of this and did not have different, strong beliefs in myself now then I likely would not share this. I am okay. I share because that is a part of who I was, a part that helped to shape me into who I am, a part that reminds me of how far I have come and how possible it is for others to come through this self-esteem crisis and feel beautiful, worthy and enough.
When I read that letter so many more light bulbs went off. Although I had an idea of what it was that led me to not only pursue but then stay in a relationship with such a volatile person I was not convinced that was the issue. I didn’t understand how just low self esteem alone could have brought me there, and kept me. When I re-enter my 16 year old mind and heart I see it, I feel it and I understand it.
I have come so far from being that girl, I have worked on getting to know who I am so that anyone who does not agree with or like it cannot phase me. I have fallen so in love with myself inside out that anyone who does not see the beauty and light I see in me simply falls away.
It is my hope and my mission to inspire you to find the path that leads you to falling in love with yourself, to dismissing anyone who does not love, honour and respect you.
For so many years after that relationship ended I stayed in a cycle where pain was my pleasure, where I was not comfortable unless I was uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Although there were so many reasons for me to believe I deserved more, for the longest time I did not allow myself to receive what I deserved.
If you are wondering why you keep attracting the same type of people and situations into your life it is because deep inside, and possibly in your conscious mind too, you do not believe you deserve more that what you have experienced. But I know in my soul that you deserve more, you deserve awesome and amazing and incredible. You do not have to settle because an older, outdated version of yourself is still playing the same beliefs in the back of your mind. ♥
I can help you uncover the beliefs that are keeping you stuck in the same patterns and release them. I can help you see the parts of you that have been forgotten or neglected or dismissed due to shame and pain. I can help you feel whole, worthy, deserving and powerful again.
Please contact me for a free chat if you are looking for support in this area. info@janineaf.com

“You Could Get Hit by a Bus Tomorrow”

The amount of times I have heard this line from people anytime I explain why I avoid certain foods, drinks, substances etc for my own health is insurmountable. Followed up by the line just live your life, eat what you want and don’t worry so much.

I truly believe that more often than not people are more inclined to just accept defeat in the face of that which they do not know in order to avoid the inevitable and sometimes overwhelming changes that come with knowing better.

I am sure you have heard the saying “when you know better, you do better” and I know first hand how hard it is to know better sometimes. If I didn’t know better then perhaps I would still indulge in a can of Coca Cola everyday, or drink chocolate milk by the carton or lather up in the most sudsy body wash or eat Oreo cookies by the bagful, they are vegan after all. I would read less labels and put less things back on the shelf after reading those labels.

Knowing better in a world where there is so much conflicting information can drive us mad sometimes. From Google searches to doctor visits, nutritionists to dietitians, naturopaths to homeopaths, Chinese medicine and so much more. We are in a time period of information overload and that alone can cause much undue stress on our bodies.

My response to people when they say well “you could get hit by a bus and die tomorrow so you might as well just” [eat that carcinogenic food or drink that 56g of sugar drink] etc, because essentially life comes with no certainty is this..

While we may not know the inevitable fate of when our time here on earth is through, and assuming I don’t step out into traffic without looking both ways tomorrow, the reality is that in this moment I am here and in this moment I want to feel my best. I mean. don’t we all?

Avoiding the things that we know for certain can make us unwell whether it be in the short or long term, whether we are talking mental or physical illness, to me is the equivalent of not stepping out into to traffic to take my chances of whether or not I’ll get hit by a vehicle.

The North American society has become so accustomed to this current fast paced way of living, and being that illness has become the “norm” because it is very hard to keep up our optimal health when no time is made for doing so. But wellness is the norm, sickness is not. Our bodies are wonderful miracles that truly want us to be in harmony with ourselves, but we have to be the catalyst for that.

Eating foods that we know harm our health, mentally, physically & spiritually, avoiding warnings on cigarette packs and then wondering why lung cancer is the #1 cancer killer, mindlessly drinking energy drinks, soda and sugar filled drinks without a concern for the inflammation and disease this is inviting into our bodies is a certain form of self harm.

I love my body and anytime my health is out of harmony I feel a serious disconnect which makes getting through the days much more unbearable.

The point to making healthy choices in our lives from the foods we eat to the fluid we drink, the products we use on and around our skin, and even the thoughts we think is to be in a loving relationship with ourselves. It is to feel good so we can enjoy the time we have here whether it is one more day or a few more decades.

Although knowing better can be overwhelming and daunting in the interim, like starting anything new, it becomes easier and more enjoyable over time. Taking small steps is a great place to start. Instead of assuming defeat and letting our fate lay in the hands of the factory food makers and the chemical dealers we can absolutely take a stand for ourselves and choose to make better, healthier, happier choices.

Let’s make eating and being well the new norm, the standard and bottom for living and remove the assumption that we should eat and do the things that may harm us simply because “life’s short”.

Life is as short or as long as you make it, and it can seem really long in a non enjoyable way, if you feel like shit all of the time while waiting for you number to be called. This moment is the only one we truly have and I for one want to feel fucking amazing in this moment, and any more that may be gifted to me.

Be Your Own Biggest Fan

My first TIFF (Toronto International film festival) experience this past weekend was incredible, to say the least. But of course not without its insights and wisdom.

When I was first asked to go to TIFF my mind went a few different places. In the spirit of being authentic as fuck I struggled with the idea of getting dressed up (which I rarely do) to go to an event sponsored by many companies I do not support full of crazed fans over celebrities I don’t care too much about, aside from the fact that they are human and that makes them important in their own right; however, knowing that the experience would be so much more than my qualms, I went, and I do not regret a moment of it (not even the alignment shifting, feet murdering heels, or my Jeep getting hit in a parking lot).

After the incredible movie we watched we walked around and checked out some red carpet arrivals, for the final one it was pouring rain but we stayed for the fun of it. There were some crazy fans and this leads to the point of this post.

Actors, although talented, rich & famous, are just humans like the rest of us.

It is meaningful to admire someone for their work, their talents and skills and more importantly the work that they do off screen (Hey Leo  😉 ).

But when such an emphasis is placed on idolizing an actor for their beauty, or their fictional characters on screen, we stand to lose a part of ourselves, our power and our unique qualities.

I saw a girl literally hyperventilating, I saw people snapping pics with cameras that could take a sweet pic of the grand canyon from a rooftop patio in Vegas, people were screaming actors names as well as shows they have appeared in. I get that this is a part of the culture here, I understand that people thrive on obsessing over stars.

I did this as a young girl, I idolized actors like drew Barrymore and singers like Mariah Carey, and as I grew older I realized why. These people were doing what they loved and were inherently good at or at least worked damn hard to be good at. They were living their passions, their truths and shining in a way that the whole world could admire. That is the lovely thing about film & television, it gives people a platform to expand their reach, far and wide.

I saw in these people on my television screen and heard through my speakers a voice and a light that could not be dimmed. I felt moved by those living their dreams, and I still do, whether they are famous by societies standards or not. But when you put someone on a pedestal, you are the one who risks the fall when they don’t turn out how you expected them to and how unfair it is to put those expectations on someone else anyways. You also take away from your own uniqueness, talents, gifts and possibilities.

When we worship other people we give away a part of our-self, we lose some of our own authenticity.

It is beautiful to recognize someone else’s greatness but also very important to remember that the greatness you see in them is also very much alive within you too. Everything you admire in someone else, is possible for you. We are all only human here and we all possesses the same ability to move forward  towards our dreams, towards hard work, towards changing the world and changing lives. We are all just one decision away from a completely different life.

These people who have been placed on pedestals are the same as you, they have just chosen their own path and moved towards living their dreams they are truly not different from any one of us and believing that they are can really hold you back.

Forget about what could be possible if you had “that” life and create the life you truly desire, everything is possible if you just believe and worship your own self enough to make it so.

You are worth being your own biggest fan and it’s about time you started!

Cheering you on XO

9 Ways to be Ridiculously Happy – No Matter What.

I know firsthand how tough life can get. I know how easy it is to succumb to darkness and and wallow in sadness and grief. I know that everyday is not always sunshine & rainbows.

I spent many years in a happiness deficit, I get it.

But I now know that we have control over our feelings, emotions and most of our experiences or at least how we choose to react to them.

It’s easy to give into the idea that we are not in control, that someone else is causing our pain and anguish, that this is the life we were “dealt” instead of believing that this is the life we have created.

But the truth is we do have control, way more control than most people allow themselves to believe. Although there are some things that, in many ways, we cannot control, majority of what we experience on a day to day basis is well within our power.

Elizabeth Gilbert said it best in Eat, Pray, Love:
”Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.”

It is up to you to choose each and every day how you want to feel, how you will act and react and who you want to be. That is the beauty of this life and being a human, we have choices and we can choose to feel amazing and have amazing experiences… or not. It’s up to you!

Like I said a few sentences ago, I know it can be hard and that’s why I am here to give you 9 Ways you can work on being happy every single day… no matter what!

Click here to read the full article on Huffington Post:

9 Ways to Be Ridiculously Happy – No Matter What

 

Are toxic patterns keeping you stuck?

Do you often find yourself stuck in the same situation or circumstance over and over again? Is it toxic/dead end relationships? Is it your weight fluctuating? Is it chronic sickness?

Do you find yourself wondering often “why does this keep happening to me?” How would you feel if you no longer found yourself in the same circumstance over and over again?

What do you believe about these same situations occurring in your life on repeat? Do you notice what you think or say about them?

It is easy to fall into a “just my luck” or “here we go again” mindset but the truth is that these toxic cycles that you are wound up in are a result of choices you are making or have made.
What are you willing to do to change these cycles and face the underlying block that is keeping you stuck?

When you can identify the source of these patterns that hold you back and keep you stuck and face them head on you will start seeing big shifts in your life right away.

There are many reasons why these patterns may be repeating themselves.
It could be comfort keeping you stuck, it could be a result of a trauma or big life event, it could be fear of the unknown moving forward.

When I finally recognized my toxic patterns and where they stemmed from -ie: low self esteem & lack of self love, I was able to do the inner work required to finally stop repeating the toxic patterns that were holding me back from true happiness in my life.

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know”.
The lessons may show up differently each time but the bottom line of these toxic cycles remains the same. Decide today to identify the true cause of these cycles so that you can make the choice to break them for good and experience true freedom in your life, health & happiness.

Much Love,

Janine XO

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