To Every Guy Who Never Loved Me

Thank you for not loving me even when the words slipped off your tongue, even when you tried to convince me I was the one.

Thank you for showing me what I was so deeply missing in myself, by never giving me what I thought I needed from you.

You validated all my insecurities and led me to feel bad about myself with subtle things you’d say to me that kept me locked in hell.

I kept looking for home in the walls of your heart, trying to escape my own since it had fallen apart.

I thought it felt like home with you, but that’s where I was so misguided you see, what once was home for me was pain and emptiness and you embodied it so perfectly.

I didn’t do the work I needed to do to be whole and happy on my own so I relied on that from you.

Thank you for helping me see by turning your back on me that you weren’t the answer to the void in my heart.

Thank you for showing up at all the wrong times and disappearing when it mattered the most, proving that I could in fact survive without you.

Thank you for caring I know that you did the best that you could do, I will never discount the things you did do over the things you did not.

But you fell short so often that I finally realized I could do a better job caring for myself than you could, I needed to learn that I didn’t need you.

Thank you for always choosing someone else over me because it reminded me that I wasn’t choosing me either. How could I blame you for doing exactly what I was teaching you to do?

Thank you for pointing out all the things that made me insecure about myself in order to bring me down and maybe perhaps to keep me around. Because you made me forget for awhile how powerful I really was and I think that was your intention even if you didn’t actually know it. As you tore me down there was nothing left of me but the foundation of love on which I rebuilt my self.

Thank you for never being fully available to me giving me the opportunity to finally choose me over you.
I didn’t know how unavailable I was until I saw myself in you.

Thank you for saying words you thought I needed to hear so I could feel how awful they felt coming from a place so insincere.

Thank you for not loving yourself so much that it spilled over onto me, how badly you mistreated yourself is how I finally was able to see, everything I blamed you for is everything I was doing to me.

Thank you for never really loving me so that I could finally learn what love felt like when I had no choice but to give it to myself.

Thank you for only ever being half in so I could finally see myself all the way out.

The Sweet & Sour of Expiration Dating

3 months into a 6 month capped stay in the South I met, who I will attest to be, one of the most amazing men I have ever known.

I had no intention of dating anyone as I was on a bit of a love recovery mission. It turns out, he was very much an instrumental part of the journey.

I truly belive we cherished eachother and each moment a little bit more because we knew, for certain that our forever was only months away from ending.

We often questioned whether or not our relationship fared so well because we knew it eventually had to end. Regardless, we enjoyed every moment to the fullest. Because that is who we are and because this is what we were given.

When there is no expectations, no questions of where is this going, what’s next, how will this turn out, commit to me kind of talk, you feel more free to just be your self.

Even if we choose to go with the flow, to let things unfold as they are meant to, nothing is ever guaranteed. Whether it lasts or it doesn’t is a personal decision and a divine one too. We can’t change destiny. We cannot force change.

Every moment is not guaranteed in this life. We could all learn from these experiences by loving like it’s the first, and last time.

Most of our time together was spent without question or hesitation. But looming was always the inevitable truth that sooner than later we had to part.

Everything has its  paradox, this was no different.

So sweet, yet so sour.

The sweetness was always living in the moment.
Never taking one second for granted.
Not over thinking, but always being thoughtful.
Having someone be completely committed to your relationship, to not hurrying or worrying about what tomorrow brings.
Being completely caught up with each other and not having eyes nor thoughts of someone else.
The sweetness was in the moments that brought pure bliss as we explored each other to the depths of our intelligence and then always a little further.
As we dug deep into emotional memories buried in cells, feeling safe to share our truths knowing that no matter what happened we were ending anyways so why not lay it all bare.
Being carefree and wild. Running naked into a full moonlit sea, not caring where sand ended up and time standing still for us.
Baring our hearts knowing even if it scared the other away, it was bound to end anyways. (This is kinda sour too)
Walking away with a heart full of promise and magic, knowing that this exists.

The sour was wishing it would never end and Wondering why it had to.
Wishing that one or the other would find a way to make it work.
That one would say stay while the other would say I wont go.
The sour was in the moments when it didn’t make any sense to leave, didn’t make any sense for it to end and yet still, moving forward toward the fateful day when for the rest of time, nothing would be the same.
The driving away knowing it may be the last time and that everything you had for 90 days/12 weeks/3 months will suddenly go away.
Finding a new normal, in an old place.
That there may never be anyone again who ever comes close to matching what you had here, but knowing you must trust that if this is happening then it must be for some cosmic purpose you cannot see yet.
The sour is the moments when you start to question everything, why am I doing this?
Is this what I want?
Am I lowering my standards?
Am I simply just repeating old patterns with new faces?
Is this the same as dating an unavailable man since technically once I leave here he’s no longer available to me?
The sour was knowing that God delivered the perfect human to inspire a belief in me I never imagined possible, and then not letting me keep that human til the end of time.

Whether we are dating forever or just for right now What this experience has taught me is that we cannot always control the outcome and so we should always live in the sweetness of knowing that at any moment it could all be gone. Cherish it while it’s here it’s here knowing this moment is the best it could possibly be.

Bare your heart.
Don’t hold back.
Run naked into moonlit seas, flow with the waves and move with the breeze nothing and everything lasts for eternity

Don’t Lower the Bar for Someone Who Isn’t Willing to Rise Up

The best thing you can do for yourself and your love life is to become certain of who you are and what you want.

I have a client who is dating a guy whom she wishes would commit but he has made it clear that [right now] he is not ready to choose just her. He has been open and honest about where he stands, and she respects that.

But, there is still a part of her that is hanging on because deep down she hopes that some day, he will choose her.

I know this because I have been there, and because she said so. I am sure if you are reading this you probably are reading pieces of yourself in this story too.

Here’s something good to know. We decide what we want, we feel it in our heart, we know it when we get it. But the second that it comes into question, the moment that the person we think we want this with no longer wants it,  we doubt ourselves. We doubt our desires. We start to think we can shift, adjust, adapt to a new way of thinking and being. And while I truly believe that evolving and being open minded to new ways of thinking and being are crucial in our entire existence, I also know that our principles and values are what drive us and if we constantly flucate on them or change them simply because someone else wants something different than us, then we lose our foundation all together. We lose our creditiblity and not just for others to belive in us, but for believing in ourselves.

How can we ever get what we want when we are constantly doubting that we can have it? How can we ever secure the relationship we truly desire if we are willing to compromise all of our values all of the time?

We can’t.

People crave structure, they crave confidence and balance. Because we live in a world where so much of that is a miss when someone is certain of themselves and what they want it is attractive and not just in the “ I want to have sex with you” kind of way. But in the I want to know you, be around you, learn from you and build with you sort of way.

Even if you think your desires are a little astronomical, if they feel right to you, if you feel certain about what you want, need and desire then don’t waiver on them.

Don’t get into an open relationship just because you see some people being successful at it.

It would be like quitting your job to be a singer when you have stage fright, tone deafness & NO desire to ever be famous. I mean for some people they can make this type of relationship work.

For some people, they can do poloygmoy or poloyamoury. Some people are happy with open relationships and then there are some who truly value monogamy and exclusivity.

And all of that is okay.

Do not compromise your values because one person, whom you [falsely] happen to think is irreplaceable doesn’t want to commit.

There are far better things out there if this one isn’t fitting right.

Do not lower your standards. Keep the bar high and the people who desire and deserve to be in your life will certainly already be at that bar when you meet them, or they will rise up to meet you where you are at.

Believe in yourself. Believe in your worth.

Know your values and what you truly want, this is the foundation of a healthy relationship with any other human and most importantly the relationship with your self.

If you are still a little unsure and want to be rooted in your desires then grab my Man-ifesto workbook here to get more clear :

http://eepurl.com/cQUkpH

XO

Single Again?

Today someone asked me if I liked being single again..

My answer, as my eyes filled with tears, was “no.”

Truthfully, I have felt single for a long time, even when I wasn’t completely single. Because the commitment piece was always missing. Sometimes I wonder if that’s just semantics, unnecessary labels on a connection that is clearly already physically and spiritually defined. But still, without the knowing that both partners are working on a long term commitment, connection, life plan, or knowing full well there isn’t one there is an element of wonder and uncertainty that just lends to feeling more solo than connected.

I’ve yet to write about my most recent romance, it may take more time than I thought to be able to put it into words. It was truly so special and so unique that I am not ready to reduce it to words, albeit beautiful, sustaining words, just yet. In time though, I think it will be so valuable to share, for myself and for others.

I can say this for now, it was the most healthy relationship I have been in to date. I have nothing negative to say, even in the wake of it’s perceptually inevitable demise.

If you followed my blog series in December you will know, it’s been a heck of a ride.

What I know, more than ever now is what I truly want and need in a partnership, I know where my standards are and they are higher than I thought. I know that when I stand in my standards, someone who truly values me will rise to meet them, or at least not ever dip below them. I know because I believed it, and then I experienced it.

I know that I no longer “need” someone to fulfill me, that I am self sustainable and having a partner to support, uplift, encourage and adore me is something I can value and appreciate now that I don’t feel I need it.

Neediness is clingy and repelling and although I know I still have a ways to go before I can fully allow myself to be vulnerable in the face of another, I am so much further than I was and so much more available to deeper connections than ever before.

I really went to Florida to work on healing my heart from so much heartbreak. A psychic told me before I left that my heart was carrying so much pain – this has been true for me my whole life.

I certainly came back lighter, happier, more fulfilled and way more healed.

It is always a journey.

We don’t forget our heartbreaks over night.

We don’t forget betrayal that literally sends chills up our spine when piece by piece we find out the person we loved was deceiving us for years.

We don’t just flip from heartbreak and shock to open and available.

It all takes time.

I was way more closed off than I ever thought I was.

Even recently while speaking with someone who I was stressing the importance of communication to it was reflected back to me that my communication abilities are still lacking, because fear.

Because sharing your heart with someone opens up the possibility of being hurt.

But what I know more than ever is not sharing it hurts even more.

For the record, I love my alone time, I love my life and I truly value this time to be solo and grow myself even more. I don’t discount a second of this single life because I trust and know it’s not forever and every connection brings me closer to true love, including with my self.

For the first time when feeling sad about being single it wasn’t because I was sad about being alone because God knows no one I’ve left behind was worth being sad over lol it was because I finally found what I never knew existed and I felt the pain of being without it. Yet, because of that, I am more optimistic than ever that dreams do come true and the universe will definitely deliver what it is you desire and believe in if you’re serious enough.

Never give up ????✨

“At 16 Years Old” – A letter to my first love

I should have kicked you in the face the first time you got on your knees
& told me you were sorry for hitting me
Your arm struck my heart
and little did I know
This was how abuse began,
at 16 years old.

I should have turned that foot around
and shoved it right up your ass
the first time you hurled it
right into my stomach.

I should have walked away
and let you slice your wrists
with that kitchen knife
every time you pressed it to your skin
and threatened you would if I left
So you would feel a fraction of the pain you inflicted on me

I should have shown everyone the bruises you left on my arms
the ones they couldn’t see under my long sleeves
The ones you said were perfectly placed,
because everyone would know,
if they were on my face.

I should have stuck that banana right up your ass
to see if you could guess what foreign object I was sodomizing you with
with your eyes blindfolded
But then again, you probably would have liked it.

I should have brought ‘Final Doom’ to the mother board
on that mother fucking computer you sat up playing
on until  3am screaming at an animated screen.
To people around the world who never felt
An ounce of the wrath you unfurled on me

I should have told my Dad what you were doing to me
when I’d call him to get me and just say we were fighting
and let him break every bone that you owned
that I was so often terrified of you doing to me.

I should have stuffed you in the trunk so you couldn’t escape hearing “bleed bitch bleed” on repeat
driving 60 miles an hour threatening to drive you right into the lake.

I should have never wore your ugly sweater you made me wear
to every party I went to without you,
so people would know who I belonged to. (ew)

I should have never given you my virginity after I found out
how many others you had already collected
calling yourself a player for life,
only to find out how many more you took after mine
when you promised you would only ever be with me.

I should have smashed that girls face when she came up to me at school
to tell me she skipped yesterday to be with you
..and that your Mom was in on it too (cool).

I should have let my brother beat your ass, like he always wanted to.

I should have let you cry yourself to sleep when you thought the walls were closing in.
Because you were such a horrible, vile human.

But I didn’t do that,
should equals shame
and I spent so many years taking all of the blame

I let you keep hurting me,
because I thought that was love,
at least that’s what you said
and that’s what I wanted to believe.

I let you keep violating me because I was so fucking scared
and I didn’t know the rules about after you consent once
(the rules are, it’s not an open door policy, for anyone wondering)

I let you apologize your way back into my life
so many times because I felt sad for you and scared for me
since you would scream and tell me no one was ever going to love me.

I let you lie repeatedly, to me and about me.

My heart never failed you.
My heart fought for you
My heart went to court with you for trying to hurt someone else,
after you gave me whiplash from shoving me so hard into a window because you just couldn’t control the rage inside of you .
My heart laid next to your heart for so many nights,
soothing the irrational fears and terrors inside.
Never letting you take blame for the horror I’d hide

Demons were alive inside of you,
demons shot fire through your veins and bled from your eyes
Demons from your own life
that you vehemently refused to face,
that continued to cause everyone who loved you so much pain.

I chose to forgive you when it was all said and done,
I wanted to move on and hold no grudge.

I didn’t want to be a victim,
I wanted to forget,
I didn’t want to talk about it,
I just wanted to be over it .

But little did I know,
that your demons got to me
and I continued your cycle of abuse
as they raged internally.

First with food,
I would refuse to eat.
Then with alcohol, drinking to black out,
I assumed it would help me forget
but that’s when the memories
came out to dance
and I’d be the crying girl at the party.

Then I hurt others that tried to love me
because I learned that’s how love was,
that’s how I thought it should be.
I couldn’t accept love,
I blocked myself in behind walls that I just wished someone would break through
but whenever they tried
I just made them pay for everything that you did.

When I forgave you,
I made myself the bad guy.
I took the pain you taught me and I perpetuated it within.
I did the one thing you taught me would tame the demons
and let my body be used for others pleasure to escape my own pain.

I swore you didn’t damage me, I swore you didn’t hold that power, I swore it was a good thing it happened so that I could learn to help others.
But I was lying to them and I was lying to myself
because I was dying inside and I refused any help.

When I forgave you,
I neglected me and pieces of my heart would wither away
along with my dignity & self esteem.

You were a terrible human and you knew it too
but I knew your past and I didn’t want to blame you.

I didnt want to be angry at you,
because I didnt want to be anything like you.
I was terrified to feel anything but okay,
because I thought that made me powerless,
but the truth is,
it was the other way.

I thought I was healed,
but I would still get flash backs,
memories in my cells of all I had buried away
would reappear in songs, in people, in words and pain.

I didn’t know one person could cause so much damage,
at 16 years old you all but reduced me to ashes.

So I turned it around,
I let myself be free, it was never about you, it was all within me.

It was never you I needed to forgive,
you have a sick mind and it wasn’t mine to fix.

When I forgave you,
I forgot to forgive me
for letting you do things
I never thought I would see.

The person that needed forgiveness the most
was the girl inside me who was once 16,
unsure why the boy that she loved,
often wanted to kill her to an Eminem song,
but only concluding that it must be her fault.

The love that my heart
So freely poured out to you
Whether you were losing your mind
Or curled in a ball
Was the exact kind of love
That I needed the most
And I need as much now as I did
At 16 years old.

 

Just Another Dumb Blonde?

I  was born a blonde. Wait, no, actually, I was born bald and remained so until about 3 years old. But that just attests to how much of a blonde I was, as my hair was white until about the age of 11.

The age everything changed.

The age I started having identity issues.

The age I cut all of my hair off and eventually dyed it purple. Not even a rebellious act, perhaps searching for a true expression of my deep, colourful soul.

I loved my blonde hair but as I grew older it started to get darker. This was hard for me to grasp. I was always blonde haired and blue eyed and that, for so many reasons, made me feel beautiful and that I was “enough”

So as I grew up and this started to change, my entire identity & worth became questionable.

It was not even a year ago still that I exclaimed to my hair dresser that I could never NOT be a blonde.

I had been dying my hair since I knew it was an option. I went through way too many box colours as a teen to count.

I often got called “blonde” in as a playful insult and was never spared a good old fashioned ‘dumb blonde’ joke. Sometimes I’d even join in, blaming “blonde moments” for my lack of better judgement.

Late last year, something started shifting in me.

I found myself becoming really affected by people always talking about their hair.

This was not a hair complex I had, my hair was growing, longer, stronger and better than ever. I finally had a hairstylist who is a genuis at her craft, and I was happy with my hair, in love with it actually. But I still felt something amiss within me.

Why the fuck do people care so damn much about their hair?

There are people without any, there are people who only wish they had enough to worry about, there are people who are losing theirs in the fight of their lives and it seemed that everyone was suddenly clinging to their hair identity.

The world is our mirror. What It reflects back to us is a result of our internal thoughts & beliefs. I was the one always obsessing about hair and suddenly I was the one questioning this very obsession.

Without realizing it at first, I was becoming aware of the fact that I was too obsessed with my hair and way too connected to an identity that could easily be taken away from me. I was so acutely aware of the fleeting possibility of my hair.

Could I.. possibly.. just… let it be natural?

My whole lifestyle revolves around natural living & avoiding chemicals as best as I can and here I was spending $200+ every 6-8 weeks to bleach the fuck out of my mousy brunette locks. It almost began to feel like an insult to who I was.

For almost 20 years I have been altering my hair colour and suddenly now I was insulted?

But that is the way this journey goes. When the student is ready, the teacher appears and my teacher this time around, was my blonde identity.

I started to notice people I truly admired rocking their natural colour. I looked less at the blonde bombshells for inspiration and started to gravitate towards earthy brown manes.

I was starting to realize that my identity was not all wrapped up in sleek golden highlights,  and that the highlights I really needed to focus on were internally.

Pamela Anderson, my once upon a time blonde idol once said “If I act dumb then people expect less of me”. I clung so tightly to this wisdom because I realized it was true for me for so many years.

I was never really dumb, in fact I have always been ridiculously intuitively intelligent. I just never fully believed in my own intelligence. I always spoke in a tone that sounded more like a question than a fact.  I was always leading with my heart and not my head and that made me feel, well, dumb. I was always finding myself in situations with people that left me feeling stupid for believing in them.

I liked the idea of being less. Playing small. Shrinking myself. I liked that the less people expected of me the less I had to do and be and therefore I would never have to question or doubt myself. So I adopted the belief that if I just act dumb, people will expect less and I won’t have to amount to my full potential.

As I began to shift my hair back to it’ s natural state I started to feel more and more like my true self. Not hiding behind a perfect manicured package of a platinum blonde face frame.

I look at older pictures of myself and while I absolutely love how beautiful my hair looks I hardly recognize the person underneath it. I can definitely attribute that to my own personal inner growth.

What I know is that I was constantly running away from who I was, masking myself with hair dye, makeup, alcohol, sex, damaging relationships and  sabotaging beliefs.

Discovering who I was at my core started to reviberate outwards. Doing the inner work first is what shifted everything to transform in my outer world.

The people I spend time with, the places I go, the things I do, the experiences I have, the clients I work with. It all shifted when I got real with myself, my identity and the world around me.

So I ask, what are you hiding behind? What are you masking?

Hair is like an accessory. It can be played up or down, it can be coloured any which way and cane be a true external expression of our inner truth. But it can also be used as a reason hold ourselves back to hide behind a veil and keep the world from seeing our true inner shine because they are too busy complimenting our epic superficial highlights.

Do what you will with your hair, makeup, clothing but be brave enough to ask yourself if this is a true expression of you or if it is a façade. What you sow, you reap and if you crave true authenticity in all areas of your life then your outward expression of this longing needs to assimilate or your efforts and drive will always feel a little lost.

Self love isn’t about what you can do more of and change more of outside of yourself it is going within, doing the inner inventory and making over your inner world to reflect what you want to see in your outer world.  ????