by janine | Dec 27, 2016 | Blog
[This is part 2 of a 6 part story I am sharing about the rise & fall of an on and off again relationship I had every hope & dream of being in for the rest of my life, if we could just get it together..that ultimately, physically ended 60 days before I left the province and country for an undetermined amount of time.]
…
For the following month things went well, ridiculously well. Ridiculous was his word for anything that was better than good.
We went on many dates. Movie dates, dinner dates, getting lost in the woods hiking dates, zip lining dates, half vegan/half not pizza dates, pumpkin carving dates and cuddling…so much cuddling.
He had all these qualities I had never had in a partner before.
I was in awe of him.
He was so career driven and dedicated, and had a passion for coaching soccer that was so admirable.
He seemed so sure of himself, his sarcasm and humour could make me laugh like no one else. He had his own home and well when you add it all up I just felt downright unworthy of him.
I was living at home with my parents, working in a call center with no clue what I was doing with my life and no real passion or drive besides drinking with my friends on weekends and occasionally going hiking and of course, loving my dog.
I played it cool. Really cool, I even read a book on it so I could make sure to keep him interested because I liked him so much I didn’t want to scare him away or do anything “wrong”.
I was hardly my truest self with him, and yet I hoped he would somehow like me for me.
By playing it way too cool he didn’t know how to get close to me and I couldn’t figure out how to let him. He told me I was hard to read and although I thought being mysterious would make me more attractive to him, it was stifling all I was, all I wanted to say and do and be with him.
Slowly… I felt him slipping away.
The text messages dwindled, his responses were few and far between and in my heart of hearts I knew I was losing him and I was too “tough” and “proud” to even try to address it, I just waited for it.
When I feel someone is not that into me I won’t fight it, you cant argue with feelings. Although, I had no idea what his feelings really were and I’d never really find out.
So the text came. Call me crazy but I remember every single detail of every moment with, and without him perhaps that is what makes telling this story so necessary.
“Hey, it’s been really fun spending time together but….I just don’t see this working out right now.”
I responded with “ok, I understand if you feel that way, but may I ask why?”
He was kind in conversing with me and helping me to come to terms with this inevitable undoing.
His honesty blew me away, in a good way as honesty is hard to come by these days, but also in a gut wrenching, unexpected response kind of way.
“I think I want to get back with my ex..”
[Enter shock]
Oh? The haven’t been together in 6 months ex? The ex I had nothing to worry about? The ex who became more like a friend and the romance was dead? The ex I hadn’t heard about in 3 months?
Ok, how can one argue with this?
I let him go graciously, God knows I’ve done the break up and make up game many times. I wished him well and deleted his everything and told him to donate the scarf I left behind. I wonder what became of that scarf?
Months passed and I didn’t stop thinking about him. I prayed everyday and sent love his way and every once in awhile I would cry out of sheer frustration.
I kept replaying in my head where I went wrong. How did I not see this coming? Was it my fault that I didn’t fully open myself up to him? Was it my not feeling worthy of him that caused the universe to respond this way proving me right? Was it the sex? I held out, I waited until we had like 6 dates and a bunch of pg sleepovers and months of conversations out of the way before it felt like a good time to connect on that level. It must have been the sex, it must have been too soon was my continual my thought process.
Perhaps she just was the “perfect”, not cute, that he was looking for.
I imagined I would never find someone like him again. Someone who knew exactly how to kiss me and give me those 15 year old girl butterflies every single time. Someone who made me laugh more than anyone else ever could. Someone who despite me feeling so guarded still felt so much like “home” to me.
For the first 9 months I tried to date, but no one could compare and the sad truth is that I compared. At that point when I realized I wasn’t going to shake him anytime soon I sent him a quick message just to say Hi, but I didn’t hear back…
Until a year later.
I had pretty much given up on hearing from him. I had dated and knew the bar had been set higher and allowed myself to feel gratitude for all I had learned from knowing him.
The details of where I was and what I was doing in the very moment his name popped up on my phone are still as vivid as if the moment were right now.
We began to talk.
This time things were different.
Wildly different.
I was on a better path, living my dreams, going to school, working and truly enjoying my life. I felt worthy this time. I felt ready for someone like him.
He was somewhat single again, complicated he called it, but asked if he could see me again. I joked and said he would have to wait another 10 or so years. Of course I wasn’t jumping right back in with him. My heart remembered the ache that losing him once had brought I wasn’t about to take that risk again, at the same time I wanted to get in my car and drive right over there and pick up where we left off… but nothing would ever be as it was in the beginning again.
He started to put the same effort back in that he originally met me with, the effort that made falling so easy the first time.
But this effort did not come before dropping the bomb that would tie together the last year and a half, the “complicated” status and bring some answers but only a million more questions.
He explained so heartfully that he truly wanted things to work out with me and that he had really been separated from his ex for some time, but when she showed back up he had a decision to make that tore him apart…
To be continued ………
by janine | Dec 26, 2016 | Blog
This is part 1 of a 6 part story I am sharing about the rise & fall of an on and off again relationship I had every hope & dream of being in for the rest of my life, if we could just get it together, that ultimately -physically ended 60 days before I left the province and country for an undetermined amount of time.
Current conversations with women going through similar situations and the spirit of releasing all that is ready to be released this year, I am sharing this part of my journey. Perhaps you can relate, or perhaps it can save you years of heartache by recognizing and accepting the red flags as they come up…
Here is my beautifully corrupt fairytale..
–
I was 15 and he was 18 when we met while I was on a family camping trip.
He was a hot jock & I was a geeky awkward hippy… with an abusive boyfriend.
But he kissed me.. and Florence Welch says it best when she says “and with one kiss you inspired a fire of devotion on that lasted 20 years”… Ah what kind of man? is right.
I cried the entire night because I “cheated” on my bf, a story that would come back to bite me in the butt the next summer. Nonetheless it was all a big blessing in heartbroken disguise. He was inadvertently my escape and would, in my heart, become so again many years later.
Him and I, to my dismay, lost touch. But I never forgot him, every detail of him right up to the way he said certain words, and thanks to the magic of social media during some early hours of the morning we were reunited 12 years later. I was less geeky, still awkward and until seeing him again I didn’t realize how much but, still very insecure.
I also.. had a boyfriend again. A great guy, but the relationship was volatile at best. Oil and vinegar, if you will. This time though I spent time getting to know him while my relationship ultimately came to it’s demise and took a couple of months before finally agreeing to a date. Our mutual love for sarcasm connected us with laughter, my favourite thing to share with another person. Looking back I now know that it too was connecting two very insecure personalities.. more on that later.
Telling this part of the story is somewhat embarrassing, and may make you cringe as I still do, but in the spirit of true transparency and vulnerability I will share it and perhaps it will give further insight on either my insecurities or sheer blindness by a story I had create with my hopeless 15 year old heart.
We met for breakfast on our first date before we were heading off to a fall fair – my fave.
Here’s the sticky part where this story could end but instead is followed up by 6 years of up and downs, off’s and on’s and questions that perhaps only god will have the answers to.
I went to the bathroom and when I came back to the table I saw on my phone I had a message from him. Let me just say, my intuition is Strong and I felt that he did not mean to message my phone. How he acted after confirmed this but to this day he stands behind his side of the story. He immediately said “did you check your phone?” I said “no, why?” He said “look at it” with a sly smile on his face… and so I did.
The message read “this chick is cute, but not perfect.”
Believe me when I say I lost my appetite, for my breakfast and the rest of the day and yet I found a way to swallow this criticism and go on with the day. Likely a secure, strong, confident version of myself who was not already hopelessly devoted to our unfolding love story would have excused herself, forever, but not I.
You may be wondering why, if my intuition is so strong, did I not know better and choose better? But that is where my extreme lack of self-worth paired with my highly sensitive nature to want and only see the absolute best in people comes in. I weighed the moments he made me smile over this one moment that put a little crack in my heart and I proceeded, with caution and deeper insecurity, although I would never let that show.
My belief was that he meant to send it to a friend, his story is that he meant to send it to me, as a joke.
Although a lot of our jokes consisted of making light-hearted fun of eachother, this was a serious dig to my self esteem and one that I feel was either accidental, or on purpose, perhaps to bring me below his level of insecurity so he could maintain the upper hand. Either way it worked, those words never left my head, or my heart.
My gosh, don’t we all know we aren’t “perfect”? Who in their right mind says this to a girl on their first date?
IF he meant to send it to me, awful. If he meant to send to a friend and screwed up by sending to me.. still awful.
Regardless, as I allowed myself to let that go, at least consciously, we had a great day and a month of very frequent dates ensued…
To be continued..
♥
by janine | Dec 24, 2016 | Blog
I feel as though a large chunk of my life has been a lie. As someone who values honesty above all else, I feel I was not being the most honest with myself.
I have been trying to fit in since I realized that I was vastly different from the rest of the world because that was an isolating feeling.
Calendars and clocks always felt so foreign to me; like how do we begin to measure moments when all we have is right now?
I consider myself quite the investigator. Figuring out that which I do not know but so eagerly long to learn, and yet this human experience is one I am still completely puzzled by.
But I give it my best. I put in my “time” because I know I chose to be here, I know this experience is evolving me and I know my inquiry is all a part of my quest.
But I want not to live in vain. I want not to follow the masses like a numb little puppet on a string just reciting someone else’s script as I aimlessly work my way through 7 day, 24 hour, 12 months, 365 day mundane cycles.
I want to rewrite the story of life as I see it through my own eyes, not read someone else’s perspective and live based on that.
Everyone thinks they have it right, working to live and living to work and finding time for some fun in between and perhaps that feels perfectly right to them. (Although statistics on happiness, depression and suicide would say differently).
Its asinine to me.
It makes absolutely no sense to me that these highly intelligent, spiritually magical beings are living far below their means as they continue to suit up day in and day out go to work for a paycheque, come kiss or dismiss their apparent loved ones, stress about trivial things that wont matter the second we leave this physical plane or even 5 days from now and are missing the entire point of this life altogether.
I waiver between being planted here on earth, and having my head in the clouds, or another realm, if you will.
But I am not immune to the human experience.
I love deeper than most I know. I feel deeper than anyone I’ve yet met. I cry on the daily either tears of joy & gratitude or pain. Pain of my own and sometimes that of others. I see each physical being as an equal to me, there is no difference to me between the beggar on the street and the man running the country, except for perspective. Perspective on how we view them, and perspective on how their view themselves, and the world.
I don’t put people on pedestals but if I did I guarantee I would certainly choose the person who has been stripped of everything material in this world that they have taken to simply staying alive on the streets, humbled by their experience. Some might say this is no way to live, but is living a life of lies and deception any better? There’s a fine line and we get to choose where we stand.
We are all one perception shift away from a completely different life.
The idea that our lives have to vastly change for weeks or months, based on a tradition long ago set, that now brings massive anxiety, stress and ultimately suicide for some is insanity to me.
Each year like clock work the stores set up displays, money gets spent on gifts that 90% of the people receiving them wont even glance twice at, but have to act like they love, food and alcohol get over consumed and wasted.
Call me cynical, or crazy, it wont be the first nor last time.
But when was the last time you stopped to think about what you take part in?
Does it even make sense to you? Is it even aligned with your values and your deepest truths?
I am not here to be a Grinch and ruin Christmas, I do rather enjoy the gathering of family and friends on an annual basis. But I challenge you though to consider the patterns you participate in.
Christmas does not have to be the tradition it once was, or has grown to become.
I knew I made the right choice to dismiss Christmas this year when my Mother made a comment about feeling bad by not getting me much. My insides turned as I explained this is why I quit Christmas. I don’t want, nor need “much’ when it comes to material things.
I still filled stockings for my parents this year as I have always done, not because they need or want it but because I know they appreciate it and it wouldn’t matter if it were December 25 or July 9th, they’d be happy either way and it is something that brings me joy.
Joy, isn’t that what this season is supposed to be about?
We can say the spirit of Christmas has been lost and it is a over commercialized holiday which begs the question, who made it that way?
It is easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of not only this season but this way of living in general. Its easy to take on the perspective of another, or to live in accordance with the way most of society is living, whether it feels in alignment to you or not. I know this.
But if you find yourself questioning the choices you are making and who exactly you are making them for, then perhaps you too are meant to step away from the crowds and be your own person.
Perhaps your perception of Christmas has changed too.
There is magic in the air this time of year I can agree with that but I guarantee that those in need who are helped so abundantly on Christmas would love to receive the blessing of your good spirit any day of the year, not just once a year when everyone is feeling extra generous.
We rise by lifting others, as our vibration increases during this time of year it becomes easier to inspire others to act with kindness and generosity.
But still I ask, why only now? Take away the clocks and calendars. Take away the twinkling lights and imaginary man in a red suit and what is left?
Where does the spirit of Christmas reside in you? Why does it only come out once a year?
Im opting out of Christmas because I am changing my paradigm and I can only encourage you to question what is it you truly believe in, stand for and live for aside from the routine, clockwork, traditions you have simply grown accustom to without even fully knowing why.
I am not boycotting Christmas. I love alot of what it means for those who have translated it from its roots, I love time with loved ones and the moments that truly feel like we are living in the now.
But this year as I am 2600Km from my family and friends, I will spend Christmas honouring the #1 thing that matters to me, my soul.
It is my mission to infuse love and joy into every day of my life and the lives of those I touch, not just once per calendar year.
As the season wanes and credit card statements roll in and stress levels rise and vitamin d levels drop I encourage you to remember the magic of the season that has been left behind for another year and see if just maybe you can carry with you the spirit of a holiday that only stays alive because someone keeps believing.
XO
by janine | Nov 29, 2016 | Blog
Do you ever wonder if you are you settling for way less than you deserve? Or do you know it in your bones but cant bring yourself to admit it?
I have a friend and bless his heart for all intents and purposes he is a good guy but when it comes to dating women he has the tendency to take advantage of a good thing when he’s got it. Seeing things from his side of the fence has opened my eyes to how much women will put up with when they don’t realize they deserve and can have so much better in a partner.
When I see the women he dates collectively I see a common theme; They are so insecure and so they think he is the best they will get and in turn they put up with his less than stellar bs over and over again.
Let me be clear for his sake, he is a Great person, just boyfriend wise he has some stepping up to do.
Do you know what I see in these women? I see my self, my old self. My self that would make excuses and exceptions. My self that was living in my head and believing in the awful things people had said to me over the years about what I did and did not deserve. My beliefs I created from what I saw in the world around me.
On the flip side what I see in him is a very insecure guy with a big heart who is afraid to love and so he finds his strength in the weakness of others. It works both ways and two insecure people is a recipe for disaster but inevitably it is usually the recipe that is mixed up the most since like attracts like. It is hard for a very insecure person to be with someone who is really secure and vice versa.
Conversely, having insecurities does not always mean we date assholes or men who are emotionally or physically unavailable. Your insecurities may have you dating the best guy on earth, but whom you are lacking a real intimate, spiritual or intellectual connection with. So many people stay with someone they feel comfortable with because they fear, again, that they can do no better and that this is the best there is.
NO.
Here’s the good news ladies.
The strong, capable, deserving, whole, healed, loving being you are is not who is dating these men.
Your insecure ego that keeps telling you that you are not enough, that you wont find better, that he can change, that you deserve this and only this, that he needs you, that there is worse out there , that there is no better out there, that you can’t possibly dream bigger because fairy tales are a hoax- that is who is dating these men and that is not real.
If you want real, true, lasting love you will not find it from a place of insecurity.
You have to get real with yourself. You have to ask. “Who am I?” and define your values and dedicate your life to them. You have to dig into those limiting beliefs that have been bestowed upon you and you have to uproot them and change them.
You have to get secure in exactly who you are as you are right now and let go of anything that is not your truest, most authentic self.
It seems scary, you will have to let people go. You will find yourself attracted to a completely different type of man, one who honours, values and respects you because that is what you deserve and that alone can be scary. It is unfamiliar, out of your comfort zone. But it is where the magic is. There is no magic and excitement in settling for people who treat you like shit just to appease their own insecurities, which in turn only fuel yours.
If you have been afraid to dream bigger, to want more, to upgrade then now is the time!
You deserve it, I promise xo
by janine | Nov 22, 2016 | Blog
You can’t make someone love you, but you can put the effort it takes to try back into loving yourself.
I will admit there is something romantic, beautiful and exciting about finally winning over the heart of someone you once didn’t stand a chance with. There are times when this works out well for all involved, but most of the time it leaves one- or both feeling defeated, unworthy, inadequate and heartbroken. Some people are just not meant to love us the way we deserve but it doesn’t mean we aren’t deserving it just means they are not our people.
When you try for something so hard that doesn’t show many signs of ever working you not only lose the relationship itself when it ends but you lose the feeling of victory for the effort it took to gain it in the first place. This alone is tough to come back from.
This doesn’t mean never try for something or don’t give the best you have. There is a difference between trying to make someone love you and just showing someone what is so lovable about you. If you have to put everything you have into convincing someone you’re worth it, you’re lovable and deserving then chances are if they don’t see it they most likely never fully will and you’ll spend a life time of energy keeping them convinced. This is also extremely unattractive and will more than likely push people further from you than draw them in.
You teach people how to treat you and if you show them that they can expect you are ALWAYS at your best, that you’ll bend over backwards for them, that you’ll never say no, you’re always available then that is what they’ll learn to expect and when the reality of life hits you may just find yourself alone to deal with the tough stuff because they didn’t sign up for that. They signed up, if at all, for being bent over backwards for, worshipped and adored and won’t take any less and while we could all use much of this in our life, there must be a healthy balance.
You do not need to convince someone to love you. You cannot make someone see what they don’t already see and why the hell would you want to? Love doesn’t have to be hard and exhausting and heartbreaking every other week. In fact it absolutely should not be. Sure there will be ups and downs in relationships but most important is to know without a doubt that you won’t be riding alone when the going gets tough.
Use the energy it takes to show someone else you’re worth it to love on yourself. Show yourself the love, devotion and worship you are so willing to give to someone else and surely someone will come along and love you just as you want and deserve because you will have taught them how by the example of how you treat yourself.
You’re worth it, I promise xo
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