by janine | Aug 14, 2017 | Blog
The best thing you can do for yourself and your love life is to become certain of who you are and what you want.
I have a client who is dating a guy whom she wishes would commit but he has made it clear that [right now] he is not ready to choose just her. He has been open and honest about where he stands, and she respects that.
But, there is still a part of her that is hanging on because deep down she hopes that some day, he will choose her.
I know this because I have been there, and because she said so. I am sure if you are reading this you probably are reading pieces of yourself in this story too.
Here’s something good to know. We decide what we want, we feel it in our heart, we know it when we get it. But the second that it comes into question, the moment that the person we think we want this with no longer wants it, we doubt ourselves. We doubt our desires. We start to think we can shift, adjust, adapt to a new way of thinking and being. And while I truly believe that evolving and being open minded to new ways of thinking and being are crucial in our entire existence, I also know that our principles and values are what drive us and if we constantly flucate on them or change them simply because someone else wants something different than us, then we lose our foundation all together. We lose our creditiblity and not just for others to belive in us, but for believing in ourselves.
How can we ever get what we want when we are constantly doubting that we can have it? How can we ever secure the relationship we truly desire if we are willing to compromise all of our values all of the time?
We can’t.
People crave structure, they crave confidence and balance. Because we live in a world where so much of that is a miss when someone is certain of themselves and what they want it is attractive and not just in the “ I want to have sex with you” kind of way. But in the I want to know you, be around you, learn from you and build with you sort of way.
Even if you think your desires are a little astronomical, if they feel right to you, if you feel certain about what you want, need and desire then don’t waiver on them.
Don’t get into an open relationship just because you see some people being successful at it.
It would be like quitting your job to be a singer when you have stage fright, tone deafness & NO desire to ever be famous. I mean for some people they can make this type of relationship work.
For some people, they can do poloygmoy or poloyamoury. Some people are happy with open relationships and then there are some who truly value monogamy and exclusivity.
And all of that is okay.
Do not compromise your values because one person, whom you [falsely] happen to think is irreplaceable doesn’t want to commit.
There are far better things out there if this one isn’t fitting right.
Do not lower your standards. Keep the bar high and the people who desire and deserve to be in your life will certainly already be at that bar when you meet them, or they will rise up to meet you where you are at.
Believe in yourself. Believe in your worth.
Know your values and what you truly want, this is the foundation of a healthy relationship with any other human and most importantly the relationship with your self.
If you are still a little unsure and want to be rooted in your desires then grab my Man-ifesto workbook here to get more clear :
http://eepurl.com/cQUkpH
XO
by janine | Jul 17, 2017 | Blog
Today someone asked me if I liked being single again..
My answer, as my eyes filled with tears, was “no.”
Truthfully, I have felt single for a long time, even when I wasn’t completely single. Because the commitment piece was always missing. Sometimes I wonder if that’s just semantics, unnecessary labels on a connection that is clearly already physically and spiritually defined. But still, without the knowing that both partners are working on a long term commitment, connection, life plan, or knowing full well there isn’t one there is an element of wonder and uncertainty that just lends to feeling more solo than connected.
I’ve yet to write about my most recent romance, it may take more time than I thought to be able to put it into words. It was truly so special and so unique that I am not ready to reduce it to words, albeit beautiful, sustaining words, just yet. In time though, I think it will be so valuable to share, for myself and for others.
I can say this for now, it was the most healthy relationship I have been in to date. I have nothing negative to say, even in the wake of it’s perceptually inevitable demise.
If you followed my blog series in December you will know, it’s been a heck of a ride.
What I know, more than ever now is what I truly want and need in a partnership, I know where my standards are and they are higher than I thought. I know that when I stand in my standards, someone who truly values me will rise to meet them, or at least not ever dip below them. I know because I believed it, and then I experienced it.
I know that I no longer “need” someone to fulfill me, that I am self sustainable and having a partner to support, uplift, encourage and adore me is something I can value and appreciate now that I don’t feel I need it.
Neediness is clingy and repelling and although I know I still have a ways to go before I can fully allow myself to be vulnerable in the face of another, I am so much further than I was and so much more available to deeper connections than ever before.
I really went to Florida to work on healing my heart from so much heartbreak. A psychic told me before I left that my heart was carrying so much pain – this has been true for me my whole life.
I certainly came back lighter, happier, more fulfilled and way more healed.
It is always a journey.
We don’t forget our heartbreaks over night.
We don’t forget betrayal that literally sends chills up our spine when piece by piece we find out the person we loved was deceiving us for years.
We don’t just flip from heartbreak and shock to open and available.
It all takes time.
I was way more closed off than I ever thought I was.
Even recently while speaking with someone who I was stressing the importance of communication to it was reflected back to me that my communication abilities are still lacking, because fear.
Because sharing your heart with someone opens up the possibility of being hurt.
But what I know more than ever is not sharing it hurts even more.
For the record, I love my alone time, I love my life and I truly value this time to be solo and grow myself even more. I don’t discount a second of this single life because I trust and know it’s not forever and every connection brings me closer to true love, including with my self.
For the first time when feeling sad about being single it wasn’t because I was sad about being alone because God knows no one I’ve left behind was worth being sad over lol it was because I finally found what I never knew existed and I felt the pain of being without it. Yet, because of that, I am more optimistic than ever that dreams do come true and the universe will definitely deliver what it is you desire and believe in if you’re serious enough.
Never give up ????✨
by janine | Jun 19, 2017 | Blog
I should have kicked you in the face the first time you got on your knees
& told me you were sorry for hitting me
Your arm struck my heart
and little did I know
This was how abuse began,
at 16 years old.
I should have turned that foot around
and shoved it right up your ass
the first time you hurled it
right into my stomach.
I should have walked away
and let you slice your wrists
with that kitchen knife
every time you pressed it to your skin
and threatened you would if I left
So you would feel a fraction of the pain you inflicted on me
I should have shown everyone the bruises you left on my arms
the ones they couldn’t see under my long sleeves
The ones you said were perfectly placed,
because everyone would know,
if they were on my face.
I should have stuck that banana right up your ass
to see if you could guess what foreign object I was sodomizing you with
with your eyes blindfolded
But then again, you probably would have liked it.
I should have brought ‘Final Doom’ to the mother board
on that mother fucking computer you sat up playing
on until 3am screaming at an animated screen.
To people around the world who never felt
An ounce of the wrath you unfurled on me
I should have told my Dad what you were doing to me
when I’d call him to get me and just say we were fighting
and let him break every bone that you owned
that I was so often terrified of you doing to me.
I should have stuffed you in the trunk so you couldn’t escape hearing “bleed bitch bleed” on repeat
driving 60 miles an hour threatening to drive you right into the lake.
I should have never wore your ugly sweater you made me wear
to every party I went to without you,
so people would know who I belonged to. (ew)
I should have never given you my virginity after I found out
how many others you had already collected
calling yourself a player for life,
only to find out how many more you took after mine
when you promised you would only ever be with me.
I should have smashed that girls face when she came up to me at school
to tell me she skipped yesterday to be with you
..and that your Mom was in on it too (cool).
I should have let my brother beat your ass, like he always wanted to.
I should have let you cry yourself to sleep when you thought the walls were closing in.
Because you were such a horrible, vile human.
But I didn’t do that,
should equals shame
and I spent so many years taking all of the blame
I let you keep hurting me,
because I thought that was love,
at least that’s what you said
and that’s what I wanted to believe.
I let you keep violating me because I was so fucking scared
and I didn’t know the rules about after you consent once
(the rules are, it’s not an open door policy, for anyone wondering)
I let you apologize your way back into my life
so many times because I felt sad for you and scared for me
since you would scream and tell me no one was ever going to love me.
I let you lie repeatedly, to me and about me.
My heart never failed you.
My heart fought for you
My heart went to court with you for trying to hurt someone else,
after you gave me whiplash from shoving me so hard into a window because you just couldn’t control the rage inside of you .
My heart laid next to your heart for so many nights,
soothing the irrational fears and terrors inside.
Never letting you take blame for the horror I’d hide
Demons were alive inside of you,
demons shot fire through your veins and bled from your eyes
Demons from your own life
that you vehemently refused to face,
that continued to cause everyone who loved you so much pain.
I chose to forgive you when it was all said and done,
I wanted to move on and hold no grudge.
I didn’t want to be a victim,
I wanted to forget,
I didn’t want to talk about it,
I just wanted to be over it .
But little did I know,
that your demons got to me
and I continued your cycle of abuse
as they raged internally.
First with food,
I would refuse to eat.
Then with alcohol, drinking to black out,
I assumed it would help me forget
but that’s when the memories
came out to dance
and I’d be the crying girl at the party.
Then I hurt others that tried to love me
because I learned that’s how love was,
that’s how I thought it should be.
I couldn’t accept love,
I blocked myself in behind walls that I just wished someone would break through
but whenever they tried
I just made them pay for everything that you did.
When I forgave you,
I made myself the bad guy.
I took the pain you taught me and I perpetuated it within.
I did the one thing you taught me would tame the demons
and let my body be used for others pleasure to escape my own pain.
I swore you didn’t damage me, I swore you didn’t hold that power, I swore it was a good thing it happened so that I could learn to help others.
But I was lying to them and I was lying to myself
because I was dying inside and I refused any help.
When I forgave you,
I neglected me and pieces of my heart would wither away
along with my dignity & self esteem.
You were a terrible human and you knew it too
but I knew your past and I didn’t want to blame you.
I didnt want to be angry at you,
because I didnt want to be anything like you.
I was terrified to feel anything but okay,
because I thought that made me powerless,
but the truth is,
it was the other way.
I thought I was healed,
but I would still get flash backs,
memories in my cells of all I had buried away
would reappear in songs, in people, in words and pain.
I didn’t know one person could cause so much damage,
at 16 years old you all but reduced me to ashes.
So I turned it around,
I let myself be free, it was never about you, it was all within me.
It was never you I needed to forgive,
you have a sick mind and it wasn’t mine to fix.
When I forgave you,
I forgot to forgive me
for letting you do things
I never thought I would see.
The person that needed forgiveness the most
was the girl inside me who was once 16,
unsure why the boy that she loved,
often wanted to kill her to an Eminem song,
but only concluding that it must be her fault.
The love that my heart
So freely poured out to you
Whether you were losing your mind
Or curled in a ball
Was the exact kind of love
That I needed the most
And I need as much now as I did
At 16 years old.
by janine | Jun 7, 2017 | Blog
I was born a blonde. Wait, no, actually, I was born bald and remained so until about 3 years old. But that just attests to how much of a blonde I was, as my hair was white until about the age of 11.
The age everything changed.
The age I started having identity issues.
The age I cut all of my hair off and eventually dyed it purple. Not even a rebellious act, perhaps searching for a true expression of my deep, colourful soul.
I loved my blonde hair but as I grew older it started to get darker. This was hard for me to grasp. I was always blonde haired and blue eyed and that, for so many reasons, made me feel beautiful and that I was “enough”
So as I grew up and this started to change, my entire identity & worth became questionable.
It was not even a year ago still that I exclaimed to my hair dresser that I could never NOT be a blonde.
I had been dying my hair since I knew it was an option. I went through way too many box colours as a teen to count.
I often got called “blonde” in as a playful insult and was never spared a good old fashioned ‘dumb blonde’ joke. Sometimes I’d even join in, blaming “blonde moments” for my lack of better judgement.
Late last year, something started shifting in me.
I found myself becoming really affected by people always talking about their hair.
This was not a hair complex I had, my hair was growing, longer, stronger and better than ever. I finally had a hairstylist who is a genuis at her craft, and I was happy with my hair, in love with it actually. But I still felt something amiss within me.
Why the fuck do people care so damn much about their hair?
There are people without any, there are people who only wish they had enough to worry about, there are people who are losing theirs in the fight of their lives and it seemed that everyone was suddenly clinging to their hair identity.
The world is our mirror. What It reflects back to us is a result of our internal thoughts & beliefs. I was the one always obsessing about hair and suddenly I was the one questioning this very obsession.
Without realizing it at first, I was becoming aware of the fact that I was too obsessed with my hair and way too connected to an identity that could easily be taken away from me. I was so acutely aware of the fleeting possibility of my hair.
Could I.. possibly.. just… let it be natural?
My whole lifestyle revolves around natural living & avoiding chemicals as best as I can and here I was spending $200+ every 6-8 weeks to bleach the fuck out of my mousy brunette locks. It almost began to feel like an insult to who I was.
For almost 20 years I have been altering my hair colour and suddenly now I was insulted?
But that is the way this journey goes. When the student is ready, the teacher appears and my teacher this time around, was my blonde identity.
I started to notice people I truly admired rocking their natural colour. I looked less at the blonde bombshells for inspiration and started to gravitate towards earthy brown manes.
I was starting to realize that my identity was not all wrapped up in sleek golden highlights, and that the highlights I really needed to focus on were internally.
Pamela Anderson, my once upon a time blonde idol once said “If I act dumb then people expect less of me”. I clung so tightly to this wisdom because I realized it was true for me for so many years.
I was never really dumb, in fact I have always been ridiculously intuitively intelligent. I just never fully believed in my own intelligence. I always spoke in a tone that sounded more like a question than a fact. I was always leading with my heart and not my head and that made me feel, well, dumb. I was always finding myself in situations with people that left me feeling stupid for believing in them.
I liked the idea of being less. Playing small. Shrinking myself. I liked that the less people expected of me the less I had to do and be and therefore I would never have to question or doubt myself. So I adopted the belief that if I just act dumb, people will expect less and I won’t have to amount to my full potential.
As I began to shift my hair back to it’ s natural state I started to feel more and more like my true self. Not hiding behind a perfect manicured package of a platinum blonde face frame.
I look at older pictures of myself and while I absolutely love how beautiful my hair looks I hardly recognize the person underneath it. I can definitely attribute that to my own personal inner growth.
What I know is that I was constantly running away from who I was, masking myself with hair dye, makeup, alcohol, sex, damaging relationships and sabotaging beliefs.
Discovering who I was at my core started to reviberate outwards. Doing the inner work first is what shifted everything to transform in my outer world.
The people I spend time with, the places I go, the things I do, the experiences I have, the clients I work with. It all shifted when I got real with myself, my identity and the world around me.
So I ask, what are you hiding behind? What are you masking?
Hair is like an accessory. It can be played up or down, it can be coloured any which way and cane be a true external expression of our inner truth. But it can also be used as a reason hold ourselves back to hide behind a veil and keep the world from seeing our true inner shine because they are too busy complimenting our epic superficial highlights.
Do what you will with your hair, makeup, clothing but be brave enough to ask yourself if this is a true expression of you or if it is a façade. What you sow, you reap and if you crave true authenticity in all areas of your life then your outward expression of this longing needs to assimilate or your efforts and drive will always feel a little lost.
Self love isn’t about what you can do more of and change more of outside of yourself it is going within, doing the inner inventory and making over your inner world to reflect what you want to see in your outer world. ????
by janine | May 31, 2017 | Blog
Healing is a journey, self discovery is a life time mission, self love is a daily practice.
Deciding and declaring a choice to change does not always equal 100% success 100% of the time. Sometimes on our journey we have roadblocks, detours, setbacks and breakdowns.
My life has been a range of all of these, as I am sure yours has too.
Leaving parts of my life behind that were no longer working for me to embark on a new adventure with new experiences and better choices was the ultimate decision, but it was not without its doubts, fears and often times intense cravings to be nestled back into my well developed comfort zone.
When we create habits from repeating the same behaviours, thoughts and feelings they don’t disappear overnight when we decide to change them.
If we know our patterns we immediately have the upper hand on making the necessary changes, if we do not realize our patterns but just know that something has got to change, we are in the process, but still have quite a bumpy ride.
My intuitive abilities have been strong my entire life; however, I often chose to ignore them in favour of learning the same lessons repeatedly the hard way. Somehow I thought that my mind was stronger than my gut and often confused my heart (love) with my mind. I mean, who hasn’t? They don’t teach this stuff in school. It wouldn’t kill them to add this into a module in like social studies, or sex ed would it?
Anyhow, long after leaving previously stated bullshit behind and feeling the most myself and the most alive I have felt in what may be forever, I went out for a night with some friends. I had no intentions and no expectations and isn’t this when they say that’s when unexpected things come to you?
Tearing up the dance floor to some good ol’ oldies, there stood before my gin drunk eyes, what appeared to be a goodhearted, good looking, gentleman, in cowboy boots to boot. We danced, we talked and then we parted ways. Only to reunite later in the night. I was impressed by him wearing a wwjd bracelet finding something attractive and almost safe about a man of faith. On his other wrist, a tribute to his best friend, a fallen solider taken in the line of duty. We bonded over this as I showed him the bracelet my soul sister made me that wrapped my wrist, one of my many tributes to her. I’m a sucker for synchronicity.
We hung out that night and talked about everything from music to writing to politics to hockey to love, family, babies and green cards.
He had me convinced that he was a song writer, even played me some songs he wrote that others recorded on like.. songcloud or something. Since writing a hit song is a dream of mine, I gravitated towards this and wanted to know more, collaborate, get inspired and obviously I was attracted to him. (Read previous statement about synchronicity).
There is something so beautiful about new naivety. About believing in the real-ness of someone you don’t yet know. I have the ability to see into the depths of people. I see their goodness, I see their soul power, I believe in their light way more than their dark and I am not afraid to venture through either side.
But, there comes a time when discernment plays a bigger role than simply just seeing someone’s soul. Because no matter what I, or you see, in all the layers on top of that is their current reality. We can love people where they’re at and we can love what we believe in them but we cannot change their current truth. Nor can we change what we wish the reality was.
Things quickly started to feel “off” with this guy and most importantly I started to realize that he was extremely similar to what I used to constantly be attracted to, I just saw it a lot sooner this time and I liked it a whole lot less. Phew.
The irony of his wwjd bracelet was that he did not exhibit any “Jesus” inspired behaviours and in fact admittedly was quite the opposite of the love and acceptance that I do believe Jesus exuded. I suppose the best part is that throughout a few of our conversations he dropped hints that he wasn’t all he made himself seem to be. He had issues telling the truth, in fact admitted he was once a major fabricator as a child (failing to mention he still was, as a grown man).
In the past my nurturing need to fix people kind of heart would have saw this as a challenge. I would have been all in. I would have wanted to be the light that lead him through the dark, I would have wanted to be the inspiration for him to change his ways and truly find peace and redemption.
But, in healing my own wounds I realized I no longer need to fix anyone else. You see I was always dating reflections of me so that I could see what needed healing in me, but it took me many hard lessons to learn that.
People are our mirrors and sometimes they are our reminders of what we no longer need reflected back at us. This guy was a prime example of what I no longer want or need in my life and attraction quickly became repulsion.
I am sure somewhere in his Jesus loving heart, he is a good man and maybe someone else’s project to fix, but not mine, not this time.
So here you go, as you step more into your truth, fully align with and live your values and own your power you are still going to, from time to time, attract some of the same old same. Assholes don’t just stop being assholes, you just stop being a doormat for them, mostly anyways. I wont call it a test when these show up for you, but I will say that at that point you have the opportunity to see how far you have come. To really strengthen your resolve and say an unapologetic NO to anything that no longer serves your highest good. They no longer become the norm, but a contrast to remind you of what you truly deserve and no longer want or need.
Are you ready to raise your glass to the last asshole and be done being a magnet for them for good?
Hit me up for a 20 min call on how you can shift your reality to say goodbye to what you no longer want and become a match for what you truly desire in your heart.
https://calendly.com/janinefournier/20min
Recent Comments