by janine | Feb 3, 2018 | Blog
I did something a couple months ago that I swore I wouldn’t do.
Something I felt I was beyond.
Something, I believed, no ‘self love guru’ would do.
We say we won’t or that we don’t but on some level, one time or another, we end up getting sucked into the rabbit hole of comparison syndrome here on the world wide web.
Whether it’s on our own social media pages seeing friends or mentors succeed in their careers at rates that seemed to sky rocket over night, or who seem to have found the loves of their lives, or people who we see while mind numbingly scrolling Instagram who have the body, the hair, the looks, the life, that suddenly triggers a deep longing inside of us making us feel less than, lacking or simply not good enough.
I didn’t know this was still a trigger for me, I didn’t realize that even after all of the personal growth work I had done that I was still, on some level, vulnerable to this.
But as I was aimlessly scrolling one day it hit me, hard, as I compared myself to people I didn’t even know and suddenly I felt so small. This comparisonitis spun out of control, deeper and deeper I went down the rabbit hole.
Such a dangerous place to be.
I doubted every thing about myself.
I threw away every fucking amazing thing I knew about me and replaced it with doubt, criticism, judgement.. and.. the worst..negative self talk.
The words I Googled while I was down in this dark place were
“how do you love yourself when you’re ugly?”
The sad irony of this above question is that I sit in front of a mirror at my desk every day while I work and I see my reflection, often, and I never ever would look at that woman and call her ugly.
But when I started to compare, to look at what others had or just wish I was or looked differently, I suddenly saw a different side of me.
I chose to feel ugly, I chose to feel not good enough, I chose to feel useless, I chose to feel hopeless.
Fast forward a week later sitting in Church in the back pews, at nighttime, and the pastor is talking and I’m not really listening but my eyes are closed and I am half meditating and wanting to heal this ugliness within me that keeps saying I’m not enough, and in that moment, all I saw was a picture of the Beast.. from Beauty and the Beast.
And I didn’t need any other explanation.
Most of my higher self answers come to me in the form of pictures, I am a visual learner, my higher self is so smart and knows this.
With that, I sat there crying and remembering.
At that moment it was so clear to me what I needed to do.
I had not been unconditionally loving myself.
I was loving my wins, loving what was valuable about me, my growth, my progress, my better choices, my ascent from rock bottom.
I was my own biggest fan in all of those areas.
But, the beast in me, she needed love too and I cut off the supply.
The part of me I thought I left behind.
The parts of me that made really shitty mistakes.
The parts of me that hurt others, especially the people who loved me the most.
The parts of me that hurt myself, repeatedly.
The parts of me that lied.
The parts of me that gave too much and depleted myself.
The parts of me that still judge sometimes.
The parts of me that are still afraid sometimes.
The parts of me that still has her guard up against being loved.
The parts of me that are still so scared to lose anyone I love too soon.
All of these parts of me, all of this duality demanding to be seen. Showing up in pretty Instagram photos reminding me, theres still work to do.
We are certainly not our past, not our mistakes, not our choices.
But if we deny all of these experiences, if we deny the parts of us that aren’t so pretty, aren’t so desirable, aren’t us being our highest selves, then we essentially deny all of us, our entire existence.
I thought about how until the Beast was seen in his fullness, in his darkness and his light, he was not complete therefore he could not accept complete love therefore he could not rise into the best version of himself.
You see Belle was just his mirror, his reflection, his beauty but until that Beauty could fully integrate with the Beast, fullness was incomplete.
And so, in that moment I realized that my self love was not just about loving the wonderful things about me, but the things I once fully rejected as awful and terrible and unacceptable and.. unlovable.
Sure I had done a lot of work in the area of forgiveness, but I had not stepped into full approval and acceptance.
Yes, we are beings of light, but we wouldn’t understand light without darkness, nor would we appreciate it.
We all have this sort of Beast inside of us, that holds our secrets, our darkness, our pain, our missteps.
We take away the power of the negative when we accept ourselves as whole, perfect and complete as we are.
Not in spite of, not because of, not with or without something more or less.
Just, as we are.
As God created us.
As God/Source loves us.
There is no one on this planet just like you, or me and regardless of what we have done, where we have been or where it is our prerogative to go, we are completely worthy, and good enough as is, right here and right now.
Comparing ourselves, or denying any part of us rejects our entire existence and that is a really really hard place to live.
You are the Beauty, it is safe to Love the Beast within. ❤
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www.janineaf.com/mess2success
by janine | Jan 22, 2018 | Blog
*Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there*
I wrote a post recently about driving into our fears. That same night I ended up driving into a wall of fog – one of my worst driving fears- and then a deer ran in front of me, which was actually a beautiful message. I gripped the wheel, shaking, and drove slowly in complete faith that I would make it to my destination safely, in one piece.. and of course I did.
A few days after that I found myself in this steam sauna.
As the steam started to fill the room I felt that familiar wave of terror wash over me as my visibility quickly decreased into nothing but white fog.
While I knew the door was only a couple feet away it felt like it disappeared and I felt trapped (one of my other worst fears)
I got up a few times to remind myself that there was in fact still a door.
Silly, maybe, of course there was still a door.
But this is the power of our imagination, power we often use against us instead of for us.
What these scenarios reminded me of was that – just because I can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
This is how blind, ridiculously naive, faith works.
Trusting in something that you can’t see with your eyes yet, but knowing in your heart and your mind that it is there.
That is how manifesting our dreams, desires and our ultimate health works.
Knowing it’s there, even if you can’t see it.
If you can see it in your mind, you can have it in your life.
The job, the lover, the relationship, the money, the ridiculously big unrealistic dream, all of it.
But you have to believe it before you can see it.
You must trust in the desire that was planted in your heart was put there for you to water with complete faith until it blooms into the vibrant, fragrant, life force that it is meant to be.
Faith training: Moving through fog knowing that the destination you seek is just up ahead.Trust, feel, believe that what you want is coming/already here.
Believe you are worthy of your desires.
Believe you are worthy of the next step.
Believe you are capable of what seems impossible.
Believe that even when everything looks foggy, there is a bright, clear, resolution on the other side.
Be wiling to see things differently.
Be willing to ride out the murky, muddiness until clarity comes into view.
Be willing to accept that you are a powerful creator and any thing you dream you can have.
Know that what you want is there and do not give up, do not quit, do not turn back just because you can’t see it yet.
Keep your heart on your vision, but keep your eyes on the space right in front of you. Presence is what will get you to the next step. XO
If you are ready to take action on the desires of your heart to create the life you know you are meant to live schedule a complimentary call with me here: http://bit.ly/2y1hnFS
XO
by janine | Nov 14, 2017 | Blog
Why do we want what we can’t have.. and then no longer want it when we can have it?
Tired of the cat and mouse chase game yet?
You want him, he doesn’t want you.
He wants you, you don’t want him.
This game can be fun for a little while, I mean it especially feeds the ego when the tables turn, but is this what you truly desire? Ego stroking?
Or are you looking for something deeper? Something more meaningful? Something that feels good to both of you? Something that touches your soul.
I assume if you’re reading this then you’re just about fed up with the merry-go-round that is catch and release dating.
The good news is, you can get off the ride at any time, you just have to decide.
Knowing why you do this can help too, that’s why you’re here, right?
I could let you read on before giving you the answer to the above question.
But I am going to give it up right away.
The reason you want what you can’t have, and then don’t want it when you can have it is, VALUE.
It’s the same reason that big businesses do “seasonal” products, limited time offers and limited edition products.
You see something you think you cant have and it suddenly has some added value to it.
I used to be marketing companies best example of how this works.
“Oh, it’s limited time? I have to have it. Oh it’s pink and there’s limited quantities? I must buy it now! Oh, only a few other people will also have this, which means I’ll have a rare, special, item therefore making me Rare and special? SOLD!”
See what happens?
Suddenly the thing becomes about who we are instead of remaining what it is and you want it because you think it’s going to mean something about you if you have it. Maybe you will feel special ,like you got something no one else can have. Maybe you feel validated by your efforts finally paying off. Maybe you feel validated by someone else’s significant other choosing you over them.
This also speak to the rewards centres in our brains that get ticked off when we try hard for something and finally get it, or get a taste of it and we feel that rush of dopamine and we get hooked on reaching for more. No matter how it feels in the in between, there is a striving for that rush at the end, that victory feeling.
This causes people to naturally keep reaching for someonthing that is unreachable or seems unreachable, or is not healthy or serving their highest good.
There are times when this is beneficial, when training for competitions, when growing a business.
It becomes dangerous when you make another person your challenge.
When you want someone else who is not available or is not interested in you.
This also becomes more clear when you finally get what you want and suddenly you don’t want it as much anymore. Because you got your reward, you’re satisfied, for now and you realize the value you placed on the person isn’t as great as you thought it was.
Humans have a way of idealizing people, placing them on a pedestal forgetting that they are only human too, and finding themselves very disappointed when they don’t turn out how they expected.
The person, while of course still of value, no longer feels as unattainable to you therefore, their value decreases in your eyes.
This is because you weren’t really going for who they are, and were more interested in who you believed they would make you become or make you feel.
You have to ask yourself when you are pushing hard to have someone that isn’t available to you whether or not it is the person, their values, their benefits, their entire body, mind and soul that you actually want, or is it just the payoff from getting what you thought you couldn’t have?
No one is going to make you the person you long to become, only you can do that. So if you find yourself constantly wanting what you can’t have, ask yourself what the reward is here? “What is the value of always feeling not good enough so I find something that I think I can’t have and try to make it mine so I can feel good enough?”
If this is a perpetual cycle for you and you’re tired of the games and you’ve had enough of attracting unavailable partners, clinging to those who don’t want you and sabotaging a good thing when it comes along, then you are a great candidate for my Love Recovery 1:1 Program. Send me an email if you are interested in learning more <3
And remember, you are enough! You never need anyone to validate that for you. XO
by janine | Oct 11, 2017 | Blog
Thank you for not loving me even when the words slipped off your tongue, even when you tried to convince me I was the one.
Thank you for showing me what I was so deeply missing in myself, by never giving me what I thought I needed from you.
You validated all my insecurities and led me to feel bad about myself with subtle things you’d say to me that kept me locked in hell.
I kept looking for home in the walls of your heart, trying to escape my own since it had fallen apart.
I thought it felt like home with you, but that’s where I was so misguided you see, what once was home for me was pain and emptiness and you embodied it so perfectly.
I didn’t do the work I needed to do to be whole and happy on my own so I relied on that from you.
Thank you for helping me see by turning your back on me that you weren’t the answer to the void in my heart.
Thank you for showing up at all the wrong times and disappearing when it mattered the most, proving that I could in fact survive without you.
Thank you for caring I know that you did the best that you could do, I will never discount the things you did do over the things you did not.
But you fell short so often that I finally realized I could do a better job caring for myself than you could, I needed to learn that I didn’t need you.
Thank you for always choosing someone else over me because it reminded me that I wasn’t choosing me either. How could I blame you for doing exactly what I was teaching you to do?
Thank you for pointing out all the things that made me insecure about myself in order to bring me down and maybe perhaps to keep me around. Because you made me forget for awhile how powerful I really was and I think that was your intention even if you didn’t actually know it. As you tore me down there was nothing left of me but the foundation of love on which I rebuilt my self.
Thank you for never being fully available to me giving me the opportunity to finally choose me over you.
I didn’t know how unavailable I was until I saw myself in you.
Thank you for saying words you thought I needed to hear so I could feel how awful they felt coming from a place so insincere.
Thank you for not loving yourself so much that it spilled over onto me, how badly you mistreated yourself is how I finally was able to see, everything I blamed you for is everything I was doing to me.
Thank you for never really loving me so that I could finally learn what love felt like when I had no choice but to give it to myself.
Thank you for only ever being half in so I could finally see myself all the way out.
by janine | Aug 24, 2017 | Blog
3 months into a 6 month capped stay in the South I met, who I will attest to be, one of the most amazing men I have ever known.
I had no intention of dating anyone as I was on a bit of a love recovery mission. It turns out, he was very much an instrumental part of the journey.
I truly belive we cherished eachother and each moment a little bit more because we knew, for certain that our forever was only months away from ending.
We often questioned whether or not our relationship fared so well because we knew it eventually had to end. Regardless, we enjoyed every moment to the fullest. Because that is who we are and because this is what we were given.
When there is no expectations, no questions of where is this going, what’s next, how will this turn out, commit to me kind of talk, you feel more free to just be your self.
Even if we choose to go with the flow, to let things unfold as they are meant to, nothing is ever guaranteed. Whether it lasts or it doesn’t is a personal decision and a divine one too. We can’t change destiny. We cannot force change.
Every moment is not guaranteed in this life. We could all learn from these experiences by loving like it’s the first, and last time.
Most of our time together was spent without question or hesitation. But looming was always the inevitable truth that sooner than later we had to part.
Everything has its paradox, this was no different.
So sweet, yet so sour.
The sweetness was always living in the moment.
Never taking one second for granted.
Not over thinking, but always being thoughtful.
Having someone be completely committed to your relationship, to not hurrying or worrying about what tomorrow brings.
Being completely caught up with each other and not having eyes nor thoughts of someone else.
The sweetness was in the moments that brought pure bliss as we explored each other to the depths of our intelligence and then always a little further.
As we dug deep into emotional memories buried in cells, feeling safe to share our truths knowing that no matter what happened we were ending anyways so why not lay it all bare.
Being carefree and wild. Running naked into a full moonlit sea, not caring where sand ended up and time standing still for us.
Baring our hearts knowing even if it scared the other away, it was bound to end anyways. (This is kinda sour too)
Walking away with a heart full of promise and magic, knowing that this exists.
The sour was wishing it would never end and Wondering why it had to.
Wishing that one or the other would find a way to make it work.
That one would say stay while the other would say I wont go.
The sour was in the moments when it didn’t make any sense to leave, didn’t make any sense for it to end and yet still, moving forward toward the fateful day when for the rest of time, nothing would be the same.
The driving away knowing it may be the last time and that everything you had for 90 days/12 weeks/3 months will suddenly go away.
Finding a new normal, in an old place.
That there may never be anyone again who ever comes close to matching what you had here, but knowing you must trust that if this is happening then it must be for some cosmic purpose you cannot see yet.
The sour is the moments when you start to question everything, why am I doing this?
Is this what I want?
Am I lowering my standards?
Am I simply just repeating old patterns with new faces?
Is this the same as dating an unavailable man since technically once I leave here he’s no longer available to me?
The sour was knowing that God delivered the perfect human to inspire a belief in me I never imagined possible, and then not letting me keep that human til the end of time.
Whether we are dating forever or just for right now What this experience has taught me is that we cannot always control the outcome and so we should always live in the sweetness of knowing that at any moment it could all be gone. Cherish it while it’s here it’s here knowing this moment is the best it could possibly be.
Bare your heart.
Don’t hold back.
Run naked into moonlit seas, flow with the waves and move with the breeze nothing and everything lasts for eternity
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