Often we hold on to people not so much because of who they are, but because of who we are when we are with them;
certain people have a way of bringing out a long forgotten, buried or untapped side of us. The universe makes no mistakes in putting the people on our path that are necessary for our evolution. Some come for a long time and some only come for a short but otherwise meaningful time and either way they are both important. But if we are so attached to only one outcome then we might just miss the lesson altogether, suffer and find that the same lesson reappears ending in heartache once again until we finally learn what it is we are meant to know.
If you are anything like I was then you prefer to learn the hard way. The drawn out, recurring scene with different people type of hard way. I have since learned that resisting the reality of situations that are not serving my highest good is just prolonging the inevitable and keeping me stuck in a place that never feels good and so letting go when the lesson is complete is my new way of doing things, so much more time and heartache is saved this way.
Years ago, in a somewhat whirlwind time in my life, I met someone whom I fell for instantaneously – even if I avoided admitting it for the first couple of hours. I was dangerously drawn to him like a moth to a flame, he was so wild and free, a quality I admired and wanted to embody. But it didn’t feel so dangerous because he seemed to feel the same way, at first.
He brought out my wild, carefree, reckless abandon side. A side that made me feel like a teenager again, a side I liked perhaps because my teenage years were rather rocky and this felt like a do-over. He made me feel loved and wanted and he amplified my unconditional love side as he was wrong for me in almost every way possible yet my heart and my gut said otherwise. For the first time in a really long time I had no reservations, no fears and no doubts, something I had been missing for so long. He broke down walls I spent years building and even decorating and that made me even more vulnerable and simultaneously attracted to him. We talked about a future, we were hardly living in the moment and yet every moment felt like the best moment of my life, at that point.
We didn’t last long at all, weeks really, we crashed and it crushed me for quite some time (an entire year to be exact). I could not for the life of me figure out where I went wrong, how I fell for someone so completely wrong for me, how I was so blind, how he could walk away so easily and why, if he made me feel so alive in every way, did we have to die.
It has taken me years to navigate my way around these questions, not only about that particular event but about choices we make and feelings we feel about certain people in general, a quest I am sure will never quite end as human behaviour in relationships is the most fascinating to follow.
I spent the years following that fall on a long spiritual journey within to walk my way to these answers and truly understand them entirely. I learned what I wanted and no longer wanted. I knew now how I wanted to feel – alive, excited, ready and I learned that even if one flame dies it does not mean that another flame cannot be sparked again. In fact, when someone lights a flame within us that has been out for quite some time, it is nothing if not a reminder that the possibility of igniting that flame again does exist and it can keep being re-lit until someone comes along who is ready and willing to keep feeding it oxygen.
I learned how little I had been valuing myself, how I had reacted in the days and months following the demise of that relationship and how little I had shown myself respect, compassion and forgiveness. I realized what a terrible match we were but that it was so necessary to see where I was under valuing myself, in a big way and who and what really deserved my energy and attention.
I realized that to feel that “aliveness” again I would have to embark on journey’s that fed my soul instead of waiting for someone else to come along and do it for me.
People come along to be mirrors for us, to show us what is possible for ourselves as we see it and admire it in them, attaching to the person them self is rather unhealthy, instead we are better off to see what it is we love & admire in them and start to uncover those qualities in ourselves. In doing so we then become whole and no longer feel the need for a partner, at which time we can be fully open and energetically attractive to the right person for us, whom we can enjoy without expectations.
It is a blessing to meet these people who bring out a side in us we haven’t seen yet or that has been buried inside of us for many years as they come to uncover a layer that we no longer need to keep on. If these people cannot stay in our lives because they are not the best match for us it does not mean they were not necessary. We are best to express our gratitude for the lesson and the expansion and allow them, and us to move forward with this new found layer of us, that is particularly awesome!
Have you held onto someone because of how they made you feel, or act even if they weren’t right for you in so many other ways?
Comment below or send me an email with your own insight: info@janineaf.com ♥
Music is the #1 thing that got me through so many heartbreaks. As a poet and a writer words are medicine to me. I would open the browser on my phone while I was at work when my heart was aching and google song lyrics just to help me feel better, and it worked.
Somewhere someone out there has been through exactly what you are currently going through and they put their feelings into words likely for their own therapy but inadvertently to help you too!
When I used to go through a breakup my go to songs usually went from super sad songs that I would just curl up in a ball and cry to, to angry songs to uplifting, powerful songs that made me feel like a breakup bad-ass.
When we go through a breakup we are experiencing a loss, a loss of a future we envisioned, a loss of a partner and at one time best-friend and a loss of the normal life we were just living. Grieving is a very natural part of the breakup process and while like all grief there is no time limit on how long you can feel it for it is equally important to keep moving forward in life even if it is little tiny baby steps.
Having a kick-ass playlist to get you through these tiny steps can make it that much more easier and bearable!
Here are 5 of my fave songs to add to that list that go from heart felt and slow to kick-ass empowering. ♥
I hope these songs brought a little peace to your heart and some movement into your body.
Remember that even if it feels like it right now, you are not alone. If you need to chat hit me up with an email: info@janineaf.com and for more soulful support come on over and join the Heartbreak to Healing: Love Liberation Queens .
When a relationship ends it is not unusual to spend a lot of time going over the details in our minds, with our closest friends or even with the person we were just in the relationship with trying to get answers as to what went wrong, how we thought it was so right and why, for goodness sake if we loved each other, are we leaving each other? It can be so difficult to understand why if two people love each other that the relationship would have to end. When our hearts are broken it is in our nature to start to recall only the good times, the moments that made us happy. Our hearts are longing for this connection again and looking for any way to cling to hope and help us feel better if only for a moment. We dismiss the reality of how bad it truly was, we forget the fights, the arguments, how disrespected we were, we forgive the cheating, the abuse, the lies, the shortcomings because we know they didn’t mean to, we know they want to be better and do better, we know they love us but just have a hard time showing it sometimes.
If you’re not getting what you want it is because you don’t believe that you deserve it and this news may come as a shock to you or you may even dismiss it. I know that I used to do that.
I could easily say the words “I deserve better” but my actions would always contradict this. On a conscious level I wanted better and I wanted to believe I deserve better but in my unconscious mind I was sabotaging myself every time.
I used to go over in my head why this was happening to me. I had a pretty well rounded life, no serious traumas, no history of abuse, parents were still together, so what gives? Why was I always choosing the guys that were wrong for me? Why was I always choosing pain over pleasure? How did I end up in a very abusive relationship?
This past weekend I went through boxes of stuff from my childhood up to adulthood. In the collection of boxes from my teen years there were tons of letters from high school, the original text message. Most were letters from friends to me and some were letters I had written and never passed on.
One letter in particular was to my high school boyfriend, the one I was in a very abusive relationship with. The relationship that lasted 1.5 years but took over a decade of my life to begin to recover from. The relationship that set me on the journey to help other women and teens like myself who have been through what I have been through to recover.
Although I have done a lot of healing work surrounding this particular relationship and determined the root cause, I didn’t have as much of a glimpse into what I was feeling at that exact time as it had been so many years and a lot of blocking out memories… until I found this letter.
I held onto it but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this with the world. I was sad for the 16 year old girl writing this letter and if I could go back in time just to hug her and tell her that she IS enough, I would. (Look forward to my “letter to my teenage self” in my next post).
This letter opened my eyes to so much more that I had not remembered or thought of. I will share a piece of it with you here because I want you to understand what I have come to learn over the years of my journey to recovery from my cheap love addiction and that is that it doesn’t always take a big event or a big trauma to damage a person’s belief and confidence in themselves. Sometimes it is one person or one small event or a small day to day thing that eats away at you to change everything.
I always thought I believed I was enough until I realized that my external world was not projecting what I thought on the inside and so I had to go deep to make those mental shifts so that what I am projecting on the Inside becomes my reality the outside. That is how it works, that is how the law of attraction works and that is how training your subconscious mind works.
For me, I had been made fun of a lot from the years of around 11 to 14. Everything from how flat my chest was to how terrible my skin was. The things I could not hide about myself no matter how much makeup or padded bras I wore were the things people tore apart about me and I carried this with me. I forgot who I was because I kept being reminded of what I wasn’t. My beautiful, compassionate, loving heart could not shine through all of the criticism.
This is evident in the words I wrote in this letter, here is a small piece:
“I love you. I was just so worried that you might be having different feelings. Please don’t leave me. I am sorry that I’m not a size 2 with beautiful blonde hair, a perfect smile and most importantly, a perfect face. . . . I am scared ‘cuz I know you are too good for me and if I lose you I’ll never find someone like you again”.
Heart wrenching, right?
Here is the reality when looking at this situation from an outsider, as I can now that I am no longer in it. A few short years before writing that letter I was made fun of a lot for being “too skinny” and throughout my entire life I have had comments made on how skinny I am, something that always made me uncomfortable, and here I was, wishing to be a size 2 in this letter when in reality I was a size 5. I didn’t have beautiful blonde hair, because at the time it was dark blonde and curly. I didn’t have a perfect smile, when in reality it was adorable and people complimented it all the time. That I didn’t have a perfect face, which was always one of my biggest self-esteem issues.
But I created a belief system from the words I heard other people say about me and from comparing myself to others so often that I didn’t believe in myself anymore and I not only accepted but begged for way less than I ever deserve.
I don’t share this because I want people to feel sorry for me or my 16 year old self. If I was not healed of this and did not have different, strong beliefs in myself now then I likely would not share this. I am okay. I share because that is a part of who I was, a part that helped to shape me into who I am, a part that reminds me of how far I have come and how possible it is for others to come through this self-esteem crisis and feel beautiful, worthy and enough.
When I read that letter so many more light bulbs went off. Although I had an idea of what it was that led me to not only pursue but then stay in a relationship with such a volatile person I was not convinced that was the issue. I didn’t understand how just low self esteem alone could have brought me there, and kept me. When I re-enter my 16 year old mind and heart I see it, I feel it and I understand it.
I have come so far from being that girl, I have worked on getting to know who I am so that anyone who does not agree with or like it cannot phase me. I have fallen so in love with myself inside out that anyone who does not see the beauty and light I see in me simply falls away.
It is my hope and my mission to inspire you to find the path that leads you to falling in love with yourself, to dismissing anyone who does not love, honour and respect you.
For so many years after that relationship ended I stayed in a cycle where pain was my pleasure, where I was not comfortable unless I was uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Although there were so many reasons for me to believe I deserved more, for the longest time I did not allow myself to receive what I deserved.
If you are wondering why you keep attracting the same type of people and situations into your life it is because deep inside, and possibly in your conscious mind too, you do not believe you deserve more that what you have experienced. But I know in my soul that you deserve more, you deserve awesome and amazing and incredible. You do not have to settle because an older, outdated version of yourself is still playing the same beliefs in the back of your mind. ♥ I can help you uncover the beliefs that are keeping you stuck in the same patterns and release them. I can help you see the parts of you that have been forgotten or neglected or dismissed due to shame and pain. I can help you feel whole, worthy, deserving and powerful again.
Please contact me for a free chat if you are looking for support in this area. info@janineaf.com
The amount of times I have heard this line from people anytime I explain why I avoid certain foods, drinks, substances etc for my own health is insurmountable. Followed up by the line just live your life, eat what you want and don’t worry so much.
I truly believe that more often than not people are more inclined to just accept defeat in the face of that which they do not know in order to avoid the inevitable and sometimes overwhelming changes that come with knowing better.
I am sure you have heard the saying “when you know better, you do better” and I know first hand how hard it is to know better sometimes. If I didn’t know better then perhaps I would still indulge in a can of Coca Cola everyday, or drink chocolate milk by the carton or lather up in the most sudsy body wash or eat Oreo cookies by the bagful, they are vegan after all. I would read less labels and put less things back on the shelf after reading those labels.
Knowing better in a world where there is so much conflicting information can drive us mad sometimes. From Google searches to doctor visits, nutritionists to dietitians, naturopaths to homeopaths, Chinese medicine and so much more. We are in a time period of information overload and that alone can cause much undue stress on our bodies.
My response to people when they say well “you could get hit by a bus and die tomorrow so you might as well just” [eat that carcinogenic food or drink that 56g of sugar drink] etc, because essentially life comes with no certainty is this..
While we may not know the inevitable fate of when our time here on earth is through, and assuming I don’t step out into traffic without looking both ways tomorrow, the reality is that in this moment I am here and in this moment I want to feel my best. I mean. don’t we all?
Avoiding the things that we know for certain can make us unwell whether it be in the short or long term, whether we are talking mental or physical illness, to me is the equivalent of not stepping out into to traffic to take my chances of whether or not I’ll get hit by a vehicle.
The North American society has become so accustomed to this current fast paced way of living, and being that illness has become the “norm” because it is very hard to keep up our optimal health when no time is made for doing so. But wellness is the norm, sickness is not. Our bodies are wonderful miracles that truly want us to be in harmony with ourselves, but we have to be the catalyst for that.
Eating foods that we know harm our health, mentally, physically & spiritually, avoiding warnings on cigarette packs and then wondering why lung cancer is the #1 cancer killer, mindlessly drinking energy drinks, soda and sugar filled drinks without a concern for the inflammation and disease this is inviting into our bodies is a certain form of self harm.
I love my body and anytime my health is out of harmony I feel a serious disconnect which makes getting through the days much more unbearable.
The point to making healthy choices in our lives from the foods we eat to the fluid we drink, the products we use on and around our skin, and even the thoughts we think is to be in a loving relationship with ourselves. It is to feel good so we can enjoy the time we have here whether it is one more day or a few more decades.
Although knowing better can be overwhelming and daunting in the interim, like starting anything new, it becomes easier and more enjoyable over time. Taking small steps is a great place to start. Instead of assuming defeat and letting our fate lay in the hands of the factory food makers and the chemical dealers we can absolutely take a stand for ourselves and choose to make better, healthier, happier choices.
Let’s make eating and being well the new norm, the standard and bottom for living and remove the assumption that we should eat and do the things that may harm us simply because “life’s short”.
Life is as short or as long as you make it, and it can seem really long in a non enjoyable way, if you feel like shit all of the time while waiting for you number to be called. This moment is the only one we truly have and I for one want to feel fucking amazing in this moment, and any more that may be gifted to me.
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