I had planned this blog for this week and it turns out it has been the week from
hell for me, fitting, to say the least.
Without getting into details, my life, as probably most of you can relate, has been quite the blend of heaven and hell. There have been really great moments mixed with moments of sheer pain and despair.
The thing about me though is that for the longest time I would avoid the “hell”. It wasn’t so much that I was living in bliss or in ignorance. No, instead I was just choosing to resist and fight reality and stay stuck where I was to avoid the pain and agony of facing the “hell” in front of me (or behind me.)
But I didn’t always recognize this. I didn’t always know I was suffering so much and feeling like life was just shit because I was avoiding feeling anything besides the familiar feelings I already knew.
I learned to become comfortable in pain and darkness. I learned to be okay with staying where I was so that I didn’t have to move through any discomfort to get to where I needed to be.
It was not until one really dark night lost on a back road that I finally had my “a-ha” moment.
I had been driving for a while when My GPS took me down a road that did not at all seem like the kind of road I should have been taking to my destination and yet.. I kept going. A dirt road narrowed into one lane, no street lights, no cell phone service, half a tank a gas, 2 hours left on my journey, 2 hours away from home, not a soul in sight, I started to panic. As my phone came in and out of signal it was like a sick joke the universe was playing on me. As soon as my call would connect I would instantly lose connection, there was no reaching out for help this time. As I couldn’t find a spot to turn around, snow showing up just a few km from where there was no snow, tree branches down, it was like the plot of a scary movie.. my least favourite kind of movie! I started to envision old people with pitch forks and torches chasing down my car… I guess I have quite the imagination at times.
Anyhow, It was in this moment of panic I had the serious thought to just pull my car over and curl up in the backseat and just let whatever was gonna happen, happen. I just wanted to close my eyes and pretend I wasn’t here and this was not real.
I knew how scary the road was behind me and I had no idea what was ahead or how long it would take to get there and I didn’t want to endure either.
But then I had a little chat with myself, because that’s what you do when no one else is around, and I opted to turn around when I found a spot to do so. This literally felt like “hell” to me because it was terrifying, because I knew how many tree branches I had to squeeze past because I had no idea how far I had really come and how long it was going to take to get back and what the road would be like facing it from another direction and yet, I did it.
And once I did finally make it out and back into civilization and the wide open road I pulled over and first thanked the universe and then sat with my thoughts.
I realized how many times in life I had stopped myself from going forward into the unknown and through what felt like the worst possible experiences just to avoid feeling anything different from how I was feeling inside already.
Despite my positive outlook and joy for life, I have never lived in extreme bliss with a rose coloured perception of what is really happening. I have seen some very dark days and I have imagined what it might be just to free myself of the pain and suffering I’ve endured.
I’ve resisted reliving moments of my past and instead almost forgetting them just to avoid the sting of the pain of remembering. But the thing is, they happened and no amount of forgetting will make it go away and leaving this life behind wouldn’t be serving anyone, especially my soul that still has so much work left to do.
In recent years I have had to relive things that rip me apart inside, like I feel like I am being gutted. Things I wish never happened but now understand happened for me, not to me, as fucked up as that may be.
I have learned that no matter how scary or hard or bumpy or rocky or shady the road ahead, I must keep going, or go back through what was already once painful and face it head on just to break out in the wide open freedom of the world.
There is no way to avoid the pain that comes with this life, you must go through the hell to see the light, and I promise, there is light.
*Please know that if life ever gets too hard you can always reach out to someone for help. You don’t have to do it alone. I am always here as a listening ear also ♥*
So much love and light from my heart to yours
Janine♥
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