by janine | Dec 26, 2016 | Blog
This is part 1 of a 6 part story I am sharing about the rise & fall of an on and off again relationship I had every hope & dream of being in for the rest of my life, if we could just get it together, that ultimately -physically ended 60 days before I left the province and country for an undetermined amount of time.
Current conversations with women going through similar situations and the spirit of releasing all that is ready to be released this year, I am sharing this part of my journey. Perhaps you can relate, or perhaps it can save you years of heartache by recognizing and accepting the red flags as they come up…
Here is my beautifully corrupt fairytale..
–
I was 15 and he was 18 when we met while I was on a family camping trip.
He was a hot jock & I was a geeky awkward hippy… with an abusive boyfriend.
But he kissed me.. and Florence Welch says it best when she says “and with one kiss you inspired a fire of devotion on that lasted 20 years”… Ah what kind of man? is right.
I cried the entire night because I “cheated” on my bf, a story that would come back to bite me in the butt the next summer. Nonetheless it was all a big blessing in heartbroken disguise. He was inadvertently my escape and would, in my heart, become so again many years later.
Him and I, to my dismay, lost touch. But I never forgot him, every detail of him right up to the way he said certain words, and thanks to the magic of social media during some early hours of the morning we were reunited 12 years later. I was less geeky, still awkward and until seeing him again I didn’t realize how much but, still very insecure.
I also.. had a boyfriend again. A great guy, but the relationship was volatile at best. Oil and vinegar, if you will. This time though I spent time getting to know him while my relationship ultimately came to it’s demise and took a couple of months before finally agreeing to a date. Our mutual love for sarcasm connected us with laughter, my favourite thing to share with another person. Looking back I now know that it too was connecting two very insecure personalities.. more on that later.
Telling this part of the story is somewhat embarrassing, and may make you cringe as I still do, but in the spirit of true transparency and vulnerability I will share it and perhaps it will give further insight on either my insecurities or sheer blindness by a story I had create with my hopeless 15 year old heart.
We met for breakfast on our first date before we were heading off to a fall fair – my fave.
Here’s the sticky part where this story could end but instead is followed up by 6 years of up and downs, off’s and on’s and questions that perhaps only god will have the answers to.
I went to the bathroom and when I came back to the table I saw on my phone I had a message from him. Let me just say, my intuition is Strong and I felt that he did not mean to message my phone. How he acted after confirmed this but to this day he stands behind his side of the story. He immediately said “did you check your phone?” I said “no, why?” He said “look at it” with a sly smile on his face… and so I did.
The message read “this chick is cute, but not perfect.”
Believe me when I say I lost my appetite, for my breakfast and the rest of the day and yet I found a way to swallow this criticism and go on with the day. Likely a secure, strong, confident version of myself who was not already hopelessly devoted to our unfolding love story would have excused herself, forever, but not I.
You may be wondering why, if my intuition is so strong, did I not know better and choose better? But that is where my extreme lack of self-worth paired with my highly sensitive nature to want and only see the absolute best in people comes in. I weighed the moments he made me smile over this one moment that put a little crack in my heart and I proceeded, with caution and deeper insecurity, although I would never let that show.
My belief was that he meant to send it to a friend, his story is that he meant to send it to me, as a joke.
Although a lot of our jokes consisted of making light-hearted fun of eachother, this was a serious dig to my self esteem and one that I feel was either accidental, or on purpose, perhaps to bring me below his level of insecurity so he could maintain the upper hand. Either way it worked, those words never left my head, or my heart.
My gosh, don’t we all know we aren’t “perfect”? Who in their right mind says this to a girl on their first date?
IF he meant to send it to me, awful. If he meant to send to a friend and screwed up by sending to me.. still awful.
Regardless, as I allowed myself to let that go, at least consciously, we had a great day and a month of very frequent dates ensued…
To be continued..
♥
by janine | Dec 24, 2016 | Blog
I feel as though a large chunk of my life has been a lie. As someone who values honesty above all else, I feel I was not being the most honest with myself.
I have been trying to fit in since I realized that I was vastly different from the rest of the world because that was an isolating feeling.
Calendars and clocks always felt so foreign to me; like how do we begin to measure moments when all we have is right now?
I consider myself quite the investigator. Figuring out that which I do not know but so eagerly long to learn, and yet this human experience is one I am still completely puzzled by.
But I give it my best. I put in my “time” because I know I chose to be here, I know this experience is evolving me and I know my inquiry is all a part of my quest.
But I want not to live in vain. I want not to follow the masses like a numb little puppet on a string just reciting someone else’s script as I aimlessly work my way through 7 day, 24 hour, 12 months, 365 day mundane cycles.
I want to rewrite the story of life as I see it through my own eyes, not read someone else’s perspective and live based on that.
Everyone thinks they have it right, working to live and living to work and finding time for some fun in between and perhaps that feels perfectly right to them. (Although statistics on happiness, depression and suicide would say differently).
Its asinine to me.
It makes absolutely no sense to me that these highly intelligent, spiritually magical beings are living far below their means as they continue to suit up day in and day out go to work for a paycheque, come kiss or dismiss their apparent loved ones, stress about trivial things that wont matter the second we leave this physical plane or even 5 days from now and are missing the entire point of this life altogether.
I waiver between being planted here on earth, and having my head in the clouds, or another realm, if you will.
But I am not immune to the human experience.
I love deeper than most I know. I feel deeper than anyone I’ve yet met. I cry on the daily either tears of joy & gratitude or pain. Pain of my own and sometimes that of others. I see each physical being as an equal to me, there is no difference to me between the beggar on the street and the man running the country, except for perspective. Perspective on how we view them, and perspective on how their view themselves, and the world.
I don’t put people on pedestals but if I did I guarantee I would certainly choose the person who has been stripped of everything material in this world that they have taken to simply staying alive on the streets, humbled by their experience. Some might say this is no way to live, but is living a life of lies and deception any better? There’s a fine line and we get to choose where we stand.
We are all one perception shift away from a completely different life.
The idea that our lives have to vastly change for weeks or months, based on a tradition long ago set, that now brings massive anxiety, stress and ultimately suicide for some is insanity to me.
Each year like clock work the stores set up displays, money gets spent on gifts that 90% of the people receiving them wont even glance twice at, but have to act like they love, food and alcohol get over consumed and wasted.
Call me cynical, or crazy, it wont be the first nor last time.
But when was the last time you stopped to think about what you take part in?
Does it even make sense to you? Is it even aligned with your values and your deepest truths?
I am not here to be a Grinch and ruin Christmas, I do rather enjoy the gathering of family and friends on an annual basis. But I challenge you though to consider the patterns you participate in.
Christmas does not have to be the tradition it once was, or has grown to become.
I knew I made the right choice to dismiss Christmas this year when my Mother made a comment about feeling bad by not getting me much. My insides turned as I explained this is why I quit Christmas. I don’t want, nor need “much’ when it comes to material things.
I still filled stockings for my parents this year as I have always done, not because they need or want it but because I know they appreciate it and it wouldn’t matter if it were December 25 or July 9th, they’d be happy either way and it is something that brings me joy.
Joy, isn’t that what this season is supposed to be about?
We can say the spirit of Christmas has been lost and it is a over commercialized holiday which begs the question, who made it that way?
It is easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of not only this season but this way of living in general. Its easy to take on the perspective of another, or to live in accordance with the way most of society is living, whether it feels in alignment to you or not. I know this.
But if you find yourself questioning the choices you are making and who exactly you are making them for, then perhaps you too are meant to step away from the crowds and be your own person.
Perhaps your perception of Christmas has changed too.
There is magic in the air this time of year I can agree with that but I guarantee that those in need who are helped so abundantly on Christmas would love to receive the blessing of your good spirit any day of the year, not just once a year when everyone is feeling extra generous.
We rise by lifting others, as our vibration increases during this time of year it becomes easier to inspire others to act with kindness and generosity.
But still I ask, why only now? Take away the clocks and calendars. Take away the twinkling lights and imaginary man in a red suit and what is left?
Where does the spirit of Christmas reside in you? Why does it only come out once a year?
Im opting out of Christmas because I am changing my paradigm and I can only encourage you to question what is it you truly believe in, stand for and live for aside from the routine, clockwork, traditions you have simply grown accustom to without even fully knowing why.
I am not boycotting Christmas. I love alot of what it means for those who have translated it from its roots, I love time with loved ones and the moments that truly feel like we are living in the now.
But this year as I am 2600Km from my family and friends, I will spend Christmas honouring the #1 thing that matters to me, my soul.
It is my mission to infuse love and joy into every day of my life and the lives of those I touch, not just once per calendar year.
As the season wanes and credit card statements roll in and stress levels rise and vitamin d levels drop I encourage you to remember the magic of the season that has been left behind for another year and see if just maybe you can carry with you the spirit of a holiday that only stays alive because someone keeps believing.
XO
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