by janine | Nov 2, 2016 | Blog
If you’re not getting what you want it is because you don’t believe that you deserve it and this news may come as a shock to you or you may even dismiss it. I know that I used to do that.
I could easily say the words “I deserve better” but my actions would always contradict this. On a conscious level I wanted better and I wanted to believe I deserve better but in my unconscious mind I was sabotaging myself every time.
I used to go over in my head why this was happening to me. I had a pretty well rounded life, no serious traumas, no history of abuse, parents were still together, so what gives? Why was I always choosing the guys that were wrong for me? Why was I always choosing pain over pleasure? How did I end up in a very abusive relationship?
This past weekend I went through boxes of stuff from my childhood up to adulthood. In the collection of boxes from my teen years there were tons of letters from high school, the original text message. Most were letters from friends to me and some were letters I had written and never passed on.
One letter in particular was to my high school boyfriend, the one I was in a very abusive relationship with. The relationship that lasted 1.5 years but took over a decade of my life to begin to recover from. The relationship that set me on the journey to help other women and teens like myself who have been through what I have been through to recover.
Although I have done a lot of healing work surrounding this particular relationship and determined the root cause, I didn’t have as much of a glimpse into what I was feeling at that exact time as it had been so many years and a lot of blocking out memories… until I found this letter.
I held onto it but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this with the world. I was sad for the 16 year old girl writing this letter and if I could go back in time just to hug her and tell her that she IS enough, I would.
(Look forward to my “letter to my teenage self” in my next post).
This letter opened my eyes to so much more that I had not remembered or thought of. I will share a piece of it with you here because I want you to understand what I have come to learn over the years of my journey to recovery from my cheap love addiction and that is that it doesn’t always take a big event or a big trauma to damage a person’s belief and confidence in themselves. Sometimes it is one person or one small event or a small day to day thing that eats away at you to change everything.
I always thought I believed I was enough until I realized that my external world was not projecting what I thought on the inside and so I had to go deep to make those mental shifts so that what I am projecting on the Inside becomes my reality the outside. That is how it works, that is how the law of attraction works and that is how training your subconscious mind works.
For me, I had been made fun of a lot from the years of around 11 to 14. Everything from how flat my chest was to how terrible my skin was. The things I could not hide about myself no matter how much makeup or padded bras I wore were the things people tore apart about me and I carried this with me. I forgot who I was because I kept being reminded of what I wasn’t. My beautiful, compassionate, loving heart could not shine through all of the criticism.
This is evident in the words I wrote in this letter, here is a small piece:
“I love you. I was just so worried that you might be having different feelings. Please don’t leave me. I am sorry that I’m not a size 2 with beautiful blonde hair, a perfect smile and most importantly, a perfect face. . . . I am scared ‘cuz I know you are too good for me and if I lose you I’ll never find someone like you again”.
Heart wrenching, right?
Here is the reality when looking at this situation from an outsider, as I can now that I am no longer in it. A few short years before writing that letter I was made fun of a lot for being “too skinny” and throughout my entire life I have had comments made on how skinny I am, something that always made me uncomfortable, and here I was, wishing to be a size 2 in this letter when in reality I was a size 5. I didn’t have beautiful blonde hair, because at the time it was dark blonde and curly. I didn’t have a perfect smile, when in reality it was adorable and people complimented it all the time. That I didn’t have a perfect face, which was always one of my biggest self-esteem issues.
But I created a belief system from the words I heard other people say about me and from comparing myself to others so often that I didn’t believe in myself anymore and I not only accepted but begged for way less than I ever deserve.
I don’t share this because I want people to feel sorry for me or my 16 year old self. If I was not healed of this and did not have different, strong beliefs in myself now then I likely would not share this. I am okay. I share because that is a part of who I was, a part that helped to shape me into who I am, a part that reminds me of how far I have come and how possible it is for others to come through this self-esteem crisis and feel beautiful, worthy and enough.
When I read that letter so many more light bulbs went off. Although I had an idea of what it was that led me to not only pursue but then stay in a relationship with such a volatile person I was not convinced that was the issue. I didn’t understand how just low self esteem alone could have brought me there, and kept me. When I re-enter my 16 year old mind and heart I see it, I feel it and I understand it.
I have come so far from being that girl, I have worked on getting to know who I am so that anyone who does not agree with or like it cannot phase me. I have fallen so in love with myself inside out that anyone who does not see the beauty and light I see in me simply falls away.
It is my hope and my mission to inspire you to find the path that leads you to falling in love with yourself, to dismissing anyone who does not love, honour and respect you.
For so many years after that relationship ended I stayed in a cycle where pain was my pleasure, where I was not comfortable unless I was uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Although there were so many reasons for me to believe I deserved more, for the longest time I did not allow myself to receive what I deserved.
If you are wondering why you keep attracting the same type of people and situations into your life it is because deep inside, and possibly in your conscious mind too, you do not believe you deserve more that what you have experienced. But I know in my soul that you deserve more, you deserve awesome and amazing and incredible. You do not have to settle because an older, outdated version of yourself is still playing the same beliefs in the back of your mind. ♥
I can help you uncover the beliefs that are keeping you stuck in the same patterns and release them. I can help you see the parts of you that have been forgotten or neglected or dismissed due to shame and pain. I can help you feel whole, worthy, deserving and powerful again.
Please contact me for a free chat if you are looking for support in this area. info@janineaf.com
Recent Comments